There is a term in the AA rooms known as “The Pink Cloud.” We can all experience them, but newly reformed drinkers always ride one for a little while. The problem with it is that it’s not really there. It’s a false sense of happiness due to the consideration of what is really a very small accomplishment, a few days, weeks, or months of sobriety.
I have occasionally ridden one in the last five weeks or so. Not all the time. But, some of the time. The cloud didn’t dissipate during those bad moments, it just got out of the way for a little while. Most of those moments have had to due with the pain in my leg and the stress over waiting for medical reports and test results. It’s hard to explain constant pain. I know that some of you know it. I know who you are. But, most people don’t understand it until they have an unfortunate situation happen to them. It’s beyond unpleasant. It’s distracting. It’s depressing. It’s followed with a sense that it’s never going to end or it’s only going to get much worse. It’s hard to be pleasant all the time when this is happening to you.
I am not making excuses for my behavior or mood. I am only trying to explain it. I don’t know that I understand it all the time. I will say that I have tried very hard to put it in the back of my mind and just be myself, but it’s not that easy when the pain gets bad. And I have never been very good at hiding my feelings. I may not share them vocally all the time or very well for that matter, but it is normally written right on my face.
Added to this distraction has been the judgment of some of a new chapter in my life. There are those that say to me, “To hell with them, if they don’t want you to be happy they are not your friends.” And I have looked you all in the face and agreed, saying I don’t care what they think. And I have lied. I do care. At least about some of them. To feel as if you are doing something wrong that you know is so right is frustrating. It makes day to day life difficult. Chris Rock once noted that people will usually say just how difficult death is to face. And then he says that’s not true, death is easy, its’ living that is hard. I don’t know if anything more true has been said by a comic at least. Getting up and facing the world everyday is not always easy. Adding pain and frustration to the mix just makes it unbearable sometimes.
The ironic thing is that the last couple of days have been relatively pain free. The end of the work day has my leg feeling less than perfect, but all in all, much better than it has been feeling for months now. As I started into my day, I was informed of some disturbing things that did their best to anger and confuse me. I had found the pink cloud again and I sure as hell didn’t want to get off. But, the information that I was told about shoved me right off. I tried like hell to get back on, having moments today that were fun and enjoyable, even for being at work. But, I just couldn’t let it go. I thought for a little while that I was making too much out of something so stupid and childish, but with the pain quieting down, my mind seems clearer. And I realize that maybe I am seeing this exactly the way I should. And that I have every right to be angry and frustrated. But, I did my dead level best not to let it infect my entire day. There were other frustrations, but I didn’t let them pile on and drag me down like they would have a few weeks ago when the fear of the pain had me emotionally wrecked.
And then I got home, to the quiet. And I thought about the day. About the information I was given this morning. And I realized that there is nothing I can do about it. I could continue to make a huge fuss out of it and allow it to implode everything good in my life or I could put it where it belongs, in the trash can of my mind. So, I got out my computer and trimmed some fat on Facebook…removing some cancers that had no business being there in the first place. Then, I sat and wrote some things not meant for public consumption. I explained to a very good friend the other day that it was something that I needed to do, to unblock my mind. I needed to use my writing as therapy again to relieve some of the anger that a completely separate, yet equally frustrating situation has created in my life recently, and not for the first time and surely not the last. In doing that, I could feel my shoulders lower and my back loosen. The crimp in my neck started to fade. And the pink cloud slid back underneath me.
Being someone familiar with these clouds, I am truly aware that it’s just a cushion. It’s not real support, it’s just a feeling of being better than I was just a little while ago. It will fade again. And at some point, will disappear all together. Because, in life, we are not meant to ride through this on clouds, but walk through all of it as straight and as tall as we can. We have to shoulder our own way or be lost in the mix. Because, we can only control ourselves. And in this life that can be hard enough. But, we must never forget that we are more important than others may see us. More important than others may treat us. And as long as we focus on that, we will never allow those who would do us harm to ever get close enough to have their shot. Also, we must always remember that we always should strive to give as we would want or need to receive. And expect nothing less than that. It’s about knowing your role, your place in this life. And remembering the importance of it. I focus should never turn away from that. And in that, we win.
