Sitting alone in the dark he wonders, what would he say? If he only had moments, what would he want to convey? We would all like to think that we would spit out wondrous words that could be remembered through the ages, but the truth is we are in so much denial of the fragile nature of our existence, the thought of simply moments doesn’t cross our minds. It is said that the young tend to be foolish because they believe they are invincible. I say that is rubbish. Very few of us, unless faced with a long, terminal illness really ever considers our own demise with anything other than fear.
I have tried very hard recently to think of what I would leave behind. I don’t know that there is much that would be said. I have not cured any diseases, or created any great piece of art. I haven’t invented anything. And, God knows, I don’t have riches to leave behind to better the world. So, I guess it would come down to me saying something of import to be remembered for. I would hope that I would have something more than say…oh, W.C. Fields, who’s last words were; “All and all, I would rather be in Philadelphia.”
I know that we all, when faced with a death that is not our own, feel some regret in the words that we never spoke. I am not sure that is a valid feeling, really. If you are a person of faith, such as myself, you have to believe that once they have gone to that great concert in the sky (hey, you have your version of heaven and I have mine) they know all we think, feel, and remember. The regret that we may be feeling is not so much the thought that we didn’t say it, but that we never got to see or hear the reaction to whatever it is that we think we failed to convey.
I would think that the greater regret has to be with those who have left us. Can you imagine getting to heaven and not being able to enjoy it because you honestly believed that you never conveyed all that you have in your heart for those people that passed through your life?
So, I am creating this open letter to those of you that feel the need to read this. I am not going to mention everyone by name, so if you are not specifically mentioned, understand that I am old and have met a lot of people and to mention all would take more words than you are willing to read.
I have told you all about my friend Mike. Mike left us last year. I miss him more than I can begin to say. I was fortunate to talk to him on the phone many times before he passed. But, he never heard me say the things I really wanted to say. Again, I know that I have already mentioned that he probably is up there right now looking down at me already knowing what I am going to write. But, for your benefit, I have to say that I have never in my life had a friend like him. He is as close to a brother as I will ever have and he made me believe in myself when so many tried to convince me that it was a lost cause. I would not be sober today without him. I would not be as emotional as I am without him in my life. And I don’t know that I would have the courage to share the crazy stuff in my head if I never heard his encouragement. May God bless him and keep him company until I get there. And what a party that will be.
I have three sisters. We have not always seen eye to eye. We just see life differently. Always have. But, I know in my heart that they love me. And I know that there is absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do for them. I have caused them great joy and also great heartache. I hope that they know that it was never intentional. I hope they know that they are gifts to me. I hope I get another chance to prove that to them.
I have spent a lifetime trying to become what my father had envisioned on the day of my birth. I have fallen drastically short. In coming to terms with who I am, I walked away from a life, from a career that he was most proud of. And I believe I broke his heart. I don’t know that I will ever be able to overcome the sadness I feel about that. I don’t dwell on that. When I think of my dad, I think of ballgames, boxing matches we attended and watched on TV, concerts we went to, and the Sunday’s in front of a tv arguing over who was better….Gale Sayers or Walter Payton. I was always a Sayers guy. I wish that I could spend a little time everyday with my father. He is one of the best people I know.
My mother has seen the world through her own glasses. She doesn’t perceive of anything being outside of that vantage point. She has suffered because of it. I love my mother. I just wish that one day she could find happiness within herself. Maybe then, she could share it with others.
To both of my ex-wives, I will say that I appreciate what you have taught me. It took me a very long time to figure it out. A lot of frustrating nights and angry days, but I have figured it out. The greatest lesson you taught me is that I deserve better. That my absolute belief in faithfulness is not a foolish dream, but a pure desire to become someone that can look themselves in the mirror in the morning and know they could trust in themselves. I am sorry to say that neither of you can do that. It’s a shame really. I believe that deep down, you are both very special people. Somehow, you lost your way. Maybe I caused it. I don’t know. If I did, I apologize.
My four step children, David, Amber, Christian, and Noah…I love you with all my heart and I will until the day I die. I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to spend one day apart from you. But, sometimes life gets in the way. I hope that someday you can forgive me for having to leave. I hope that someday we can sit and talk it all out. I will always consider you like my own children and there is nothing I would not do for you. I will miss you for ever.
My past has brought me into contact with some pretty amazing individuals. I have lived so many places and have met so many people. At this age, names and memories become jumbled. I remember making out with Donna Burner at a party somewhere in Nicholasville, Ky. I remember the incredible crush I had on Rita Burt that I never told a soul about. Both of these situations of from my junior high school years. I believe my life would be very different if I never left that slow little town that isn’t so little anymore. I sometimes wish I could have stayed to see it grow up.
In high school there was Tracey and then Debbie Koryntha. Debbie was probably the sweetest girl I knew back then. Way too sweet for the likes of me at the time. I think of her every time I hear “Sweet Emotion”, a song we both loved and crooned together over pony millers and bottles of blackberry brandy.
I knew a lot of men in the service. To each of them, my respect and love. I don’t remember all the names, but I see your faces when I close my eyes and think of those days. We saw the world together. We became men together. And I wouldn’t trade any of those moments for anything on Earth. What a time it was.
I worked with a lot of people in my time on this Earth. A few stand out. First, Patricia Hamel. A partner of the law firm I worked for in Philly. She was the best third baseman I ever played with…male or female…on any softball field. She taught me more about being a professional and about how to get more out of yourself than you ever dreamed possible. For that, and for every laugh we shared…and for her support during one of the roughest times in my life…I will forever be in her debt. I miss her smile greatly.
Bruce Lee was a young man I knew in Ohio. A more caring and loving person I don’t think you could ever meet. We shared a love of music and a fascination with computers. And he taught me how to sell. He taught me what “customer first” means. And he taught me how to laugh at myself when I was never able to before. I will always consider him a friend. No, a brother.
There is also a group of people in Flint that I worked with at Best Buy that probably have no idea what they mean to me. They became a safe haven for me when things there turned bad. In a city so torn apart by the demise of GM and the collapse of their economic system, we found a way to carry a store that should, by all rights, never have succeeded. Adam, Sam, Eric, Jon, Donnell, Jerry, Eric, Nina, Melissa, Bruce, Randy, Rob, my hero Broom, Kabels, Nick, and Ashely…you all made a very difficult time in my life a much better place. Your friendship and the time we spent working together was a sanctuary for me. And I miss you all very, very much.
My current life has, again, brought me into contact with some really great people. I have been fortunate to have found friends here that I value a great deal. I will only single out a few, but know that you all mean the world to me.
George, you sir, are the most considerate, caring, and intelligent man I know. I hope that someday you will see that in yourself again. You never fail to make me laugh, but most importantly, make me think. I hope someday to give back one tenth of what I have gotten from you. Thank you, sir. Very much.
Shawn and Rhonda…I love you both. I don’t know if I can ever do anything that would be enough for to repay the support, concern, and love you have both shown for me. I know I have told you this before, but I will say it here publicly…with the understanding that no one’s life is a bed of roses, the first time I saw you two walking into work together…hand in hand….the way you looked at each other…I knew that I had just seen what I had been searching for all my life. Seeing you made me believe in love again. It allowed me to see it was possible. And for that, I owe you….so, so much.
Carmen, you may not realize it…and I may not show it all the time…but, I consider you the best male friend I have in my life right now. You have listened to me when I know that the repeated nature of what I was saying had to drive you crazy, but you never said a word. You never judged. You just listened. You see through me as well as anyone I know. And you know when to push me to talk and you know when to just let it be. I think you are an amazing man. And I hope that I express that to you in someway, everyday. Without you, a dream would not have come true…because I would have continued to ignore it. For that, eternal gratitude.
Justin G…..APC Justin….my fellow Steeler fan. You never fail to make me laugh. And you take as good as you give. I don’t believe I have ever met anyone as comfortable with themselves as you are. I envy that. You are one of the few people on this planet I would trust with my life. And you make going to work a better thing to do.
Justin D…..CoJo…for allowing me to be me…to vent when I need to and not take it personally. To understand that I really only want to be the best I can be…to everyone…for everyone….and for helping to kick my ass when my I get too full of myself…I thank you.
Heather ….I don’t know if I have ever worked with a manager….anywhere….that is as willing as you are to get your hands dirty, other than Stef Eyers. Like the Marines, you get more done by 9 am then most groups of people. I think I first realized your heart when I saw that look on your face when I came back from the doctors not knowing what was wrong. You have to spend so much of your time being the hard ass, because we have had so few that have wanted to do it….but, as one of those that has seen the other side….I want you to know that it meant a lot to me.
Stef Eyers…only one of the very best human beings I have ever met. A great manager…willing to stand up for what you believe in and fight the windmills when everyone else turned their back. You showed me what a great manager can be. I have missed you since the day you left our store. My prayer for you is that you come to realize just how special you are…life has a way of kicking our ass and lowering our eyes to ourselves. We have both been there. It’s time we both looked up. Because, we are better than they gave us credit for…and the only real losers are those that chose to hurt us in the end. I pray for your happiness.
Joel, my buddy. One of the very few people on this planet who seems to understand me completely…not an easy task for anyone. Your friendship is important to me, more than you may know. Your love of music, sports, and…well, other stuff…makes talking with you one of the best parts of any day I get a chance to do it. Although your choice of football teams is misguided….I will never hold that against you. Anyone that appreciates the opening notes to “Roundabout” the way you do…is top shelf material to me.
My friend, Joan. You are a very special person to me. I don’t know if I met anyone that carried their heart on their sleeve the way you do. Your friendship means a great deal to me. I never want that to change. We have been there for each other so many times. I know that all that you are going through right now will pass…things will get better…and this friend will be there with you every step of the way, whatever you need….all you have to do is ask. Remember, never quit…you are stronger than us all. Don’t let it convince you otherwise. And when you are feeling weak, reach out your hand….we…your friends, will be there….as you have been there for us.
For Meghan, I say your heart overwhelms me. You have a caring nature that shines when you allow it to. I am afraid that that the behavior of others may tear away at that…I pray it doesn’t happen. You work as hard to be better than any person I know. Never let anyone take that away from you. Your spirit will always get you through.
Last, but certainly not least, Kristiana. I wish there was some way to put into words all that my heart feels. I told you once, that I am afraid to wake up every morning to find out this has all been a dream. Although we have had a few growing pains, against all odds….we have each other. I thank God every night for that. After all the mistrust and doubt that the previous relationships have given me, I look in your eyes and I know you would never hurt me. I also know that we share the same feelings Like the story I told you, about the gardener of Roses who said that tending to that flower is a year round, daily job…I try very hard to see our relationship that way. I never want a day to go by without you knowing that you are the most important person in that my life that day, the next day, and the day after that. I hope, with all my heart, that it will never change. Because this is the dream of all dreams. And I never want to wake up from it.
I know there are some that may read this and feel left out. Understand this, every person who currently has the ability to read this has touched my life in one way or another. Without all of you…I would not be who I am right now. I am a very lucky man to have known you all. I may not show it all the time…I may not convey it correctly….but, you all mean a great deal to me and to what I am. And for that I thank you.
