Falling

You tell me you understand and then tell me I'm insane
You tell you can see me and then pretend I'm not there
You tell me you are true and then you look for something new

I have fallen for so many things
And I have come up empty
I have stooped to live your way
And I have come away a lesser being
I am tired of falling.
I am done falling.

You tell me you want me and then test the water for more
You tell me you adore me and then treat me like mud on your shoe
You tell me I am the only one and then you yell that you can't stand me
You tell me I am yours and then you show me the door

I have fallen for so many things
And I have come up empty
I have stooped to live your way
And I have come away a lesser being
I am tired of falling.
I am done falling.

This circle of mental torture needs to break
This stress filled existence has to change
We can't go on with all these lies, deception, and malice
It's just too painful, too hard to sustain

Don't tell me I all you want and throw me away
Don't show me one side and then give another when it's important
Don't pray for me and damn me in the same breath
Don't reach for my face only to claw at my eyes

I have fallen for so many things
And I have come up empty
I have stooped to live your way
And I have come away a lesser being
I am tired of falling.
I am done falling.
Are we not all tire of falling for the same old shit?
Don't you have some new shit?
At least look like you have to work at it.
No more falling...no more lies.
I have fallen for the last time.
This exit scene is all mine.

I am done falling
And you are done pushing.

Always Just Me

I need you to step back

There is nothing to see here

All that was left of the love that lived here is gone

Replaced with bumps, bruises, and tears

It's all that is left of you and I

And it's all that I have left to carry away

So far away



Love has left this vessel

Replace my heart, it's all but dead

The pool of understanding is drained

And I remain, just me…always just me

.. ..

The bruises will heal

The bumps will recede

And the tears will dry

But, there is no bringing back the hope we had

There is no chasing a maybe any longer

We have torn it and burned it in the flames

All in the flames

.. ..

Love has left this vessel

Replace my heart, it's all but dead

The pool of understanding is drained

And I remain, just me…always just me

.. ..

No one will understand

You made sure that the vision they will have

Will be what you wanted, the battered the bad guy

And I fit that cloak of hatred so well

Better than you ever needed, although it's a façade

Just a façade

.. ..

Love has left this vessel

Replace my heart, it's all but dead

The pool of understanding is drained

And I remain, just me…always just me

.. ..

I will heal from this

I will be whole again, in time…hopefully soon

My aging exceeds the calendar

Have to go before I am told to leave

Need to save myself before all is lost

And there is no coming back

No coming back at all

.. ..

Love has left this vessel

Replace my heart, it's all but dead

The pool of understanding is drained

And I remain, just me…always just me

I need to be just me

I have to find just me

Need to love just me

For now

An Island

It isn't easy being alone
Coming home to nothing
I have been doing it so long
It feels as if it's normal
I wonder
I think of what could be
I dream of what might be
And I tell of my dreams
Only to have them called a soap opera
Something for entertainment and humor

What's the point?
Why bother?
I was out of the game for so long
I have forgotten how to play
It has passed me by and left me behind

They say that no man is an island
I say that is a lie
I feel like an island, sitting in the middle of life's sea
The waves washing up against me
With every wave, life takes another piece of me away
I am eroding
I am becoming uncharted
There is almost nothing left
Nothing, but a soap opera
And a living joke for all to laugh at

I have a news flash
I am real
I feel pain
And I am hurting
And no one around me seems to care
So, what do I do?
Where do I go?

I am an island
Slowly eroding into nothing
And when that happens, the pain will be gone

My Voice Is Gone

My voice is gone
I have nothing left to say
My thoughts are left laying on the floor
No one to read them
No one to hear them

My voice is gone
Whatever it was that helped me has left
I have run out of ways to say the same thing
The words mean nothing
The words meant everything

My voice is gone
Take from me what little I have
And I am nothing
I feel muted, void of idea
The time has finally come

My voice is gone
I haven't heard it in so long
It seems as if an old friend has died
I can't find it anywhere
It has left me in my hour of need

My voice is gone
I am not sure where it went
I am not aware of what caused the quiet
But, there is nothing there anymore
I need a muse
I need a reason

It's no overstatement to say it was really all I had
My only gift, my last ability to connect
And it's gone
And I am silenced

Spyware, Cookies, and Life itself!

When a computer is connected to the internet...the moment the first page is looked at, cookies and spyware attached themselves to the hardware and software of the system. These minute busybodies do all kinds of things to make the computer slower, including talking to whoever can hear them letting them know anything from what pages are viewed to what personal information that may have been entered into the browser when buying something from Amazon or bidding on something from Ebay. It's the dirty, not so secret mystery of the web. The most innocent of webpages will leave their mark. Just how malious is the question. But, never doubt, the mark is there.

When computers first were being used in the home and were gaining access to the net, cookies were innocent for the most part. They actually were there to help the computer load webpages quicker. They seemed good for the computer. A few years later, Windows told us to clean them with "disc clean". Not the strongest of programs, but good enough for the problems of the time. Now it would be considered a joke to rely on that program to protect any computer that has access. We now have software that we spend anywhere from twenty to one hundred dollars on (don't rely or believe in the free programs, they tend to be loaded with their own spyware) to clean out the possible tracers in our systems. Cookies, Spyware, Trojans, Viruses, and all those nasty things that are floating out there have some people too scared to use the computers that we have become so used to having at hand.

So, what's the point? Here's the point.

As we walk through our lives, we go from day to day, situation to situation, and relationship to relationship collecting and gathering small pieces of matter that attach themselves to us and ride us from day to day. The moments in our lives create experiences that mark us and tell our story to whoever is able to look close enough to read them.

Here's the problem.

There is no "Spysweeper" that is going to wash away these parasites from our external vestige. We can learn lessons from the moments, we can gain knowledge from the moments, and we can share this knowledge. But, no matter how much you spend on your soap, no matter how much you scrub...those storytellers are never going to remove themselves. You carry them for the rest of your life.

We all go through bad times. We all have moments that we are not proud of in our lives. We all have those things that we don't feel we could ever share with anyone. And when we are aware of those things, we feel as if we wear them like a namebadge. "Hello, My name is Chuck and I was a bad husband."

The terror of it all is thinking that we can never overcome the dings and dents in our lives. Like I said, they are never going away. They are history, written in the book of our lives that can never be erased. But, what we can do is come to terms with them and come to terms with the realization that we can make them less of who we are and more about the life lessons we have learned. We can understand that there hasn't been a "perfect" person on this planet for over 2000 years. We can also realize that the last perfect person is the only Spyware that we need in our lives. He is willing to release these things from us and our insecure personalities and forgive us for them.

Not trying to get on a soap box here. Not trying to preach. What I am trying to do is remind myself through my writing that what I can do with the horrible things I have done in my life is to turn them over to someone more equipped in dealing with these "viruses" than I can ever hope to be. And once that is done...the lessons learned from the mistakes I have made can make me a better person and maybe someone that could be good for someone else.

Because, when you think about it...that is what life is all about. Being the best we can be for ourselves and for others.


The most important fact to remember is that it's never too late. We just have to be willing, sincere, and able to forgive ourselves.

I am trying to get there. We all need to get there. Lets get there...together if we need to do that.

The World I Know

It's all become orderly mixed up
The panorama has become narrowed
Sliding scales don't move
And the wind has no strength

It's the world I know
The place I live in
I can't find the entrance to get out
The cleared path is blocked on all sides

I hear the distant rumble of something close
The manic cries of a calm voice
Unreal has become the norm
And I dance to the music I cannot hear

It's the world I know
And it's spinning without moving
Time moves closer to standing still
Changes don't seem to effect a difference

When will the scene become shifted?
Will it take a death for life to begin?
How will I find the peace in chaos?
Does anyone know that I exist?

It's the world I know...I know

Women

Kahlil Gibran - “From a sensitive woman’s heart springs the happiness of mankind, and from the kindness of her noble spirit comes mankind’s affection.”

An amazing quote, when you really think about it. It is an idea...a thought...that may seem to be old fashion or not relevent. I would disagree. What this quotes represents is the definition of the basic needs of man and the absolute gift of women. Women have a power that men try to dismiss and women have stopped believing about themselves. This is not a sexual power, not a power of lust. This is a power born of tenderness, of strength, and of absolute wonder.

Men have been accused of being gluttons for material things, for power, for the control of all things. But, history shows that the most powerful ingredient to a man risking everything he is and has is the attention, the affection, the romance of a woman. Men have killed for these things. Men have toppled nations for these things. Men have given away riches for these things. This is all that men have believed they have had to give when it comes to proving themselves. It pales in comparision to the art of a woman in this area. When faced with the fight for the ones they love, a woman comes with a power of will and of heart that men never think to use and are awed when shown. There is nothing more beautiful, more amazing then the aura of the presence that is created from the overwhelming love from a woman. A love created with a heart that is giving and a kindness that exceeds all possible measure.

This power stems from the third word in this quote, sensitive. I am not saying that men can't be as sensitive, in measure, as a woman. What I am saying is that woman have a type of sensitivity that men, from the first lesson their father's taught them, have had stunted by the ego based idea of what we are supposed to grow into.

I have been fortunate to be brother to three wonderful sisters have taught me, with their actions, to appreciate the qualities of good women. What I have learned from their example is the most important difference between men and women. It is no secret that men are normally attracted to a woman by physical attributes. Those attributes are varied and differ by the man who may be looking. It is not the only thing that attracts men, but it is the initial quality that is used. I think the same kind be said about women, but it's the heart that attracts them more. What is the reason for that? My guess is that it's based on the maternal instinct that tells a woman that a mate is not only a physical being, but it is someone that will have the chance to become part of their heart. Not a person just in their heart, but an actual chamber in the most important muscle in the human body. How do I know this? Ask 10 men the definition of heartache and then ask 10 women. Heartache is not only a feeling that is allowed to women, but I believe they are more susceptible to that ache.

The important lesson here for men is the desire to allow ourselves to be able to open up our emotions, get past the ego lessons that have been ingrained in us, and allow ourselves to feel and experience the sensitivity that we all need in our lives.

Where did all this come from? I occasionally spend time reading quotes from history. I do this to think outside the box. I saw this quote and my mind started turning. I wanted to express my opinions on the subject of women. This is not meant as a slam against the very gender I represent. What it is meant to be is the example that we, as men, can learn, we can grow, and we can incorporate the things that make women so much better than men when it comes to dealing with emotions into our lives. I hope that I am right. And, for me, it starts with me.

Because I Am

Along the rutted, dark pathway through this world
The autumn breeze blows the red and yellow leaves to my feet
It covers like a golden carpet, God’s cool weather accessory
I feel the crispness in the air and taste the approaching winter

Because I am
The reason for the season
Because I am
The light of day is weaker

Standing frozen, afraid to move in any direction
The path has become hidden, the way is obscured
Multi-colored patterns form on the ground, arrows staggered
No definitive direction, no awareness of the right way

Because I am
There is more than one wrong answer
Because I am
Indecision wraps itself around like a warm, welcoming jacket

The wind whips the leaves off the ground
The exposed ground starts to regain it’s reason
The breeze shifts the clouds creating a ray of light
There is a destination on the horizon

Because I am
It’s further than I had hoped for, but closer than it seems
Because I am
Fear and self-doubt create the illusion of improbability

Is the destination heaven on Earth or heaven above?
Is it the beginning of a new life or the end of this old one?
The leaves begin to fall, stirred by hesitation
The way will be clouded again if no action is taken

Because I am
The window is closing on the culmination
Because I am
There is no one to guide the way, no maps, only leaves

There is only one choice to make, one next chapter to be written
Courage is needed, faith is required, and dreaming must be allowed
The falling leaves are slowing with the release of doubt
It takes a choice of survival to slow the drawing of the curtain

Because I am
There will be assurance, there will be trust
Because I am
The next step will be the first step to the best part of the story

I will take the step, I will not hesitate, I will move forward, I will not fear
Because
I
Am