I fell down the steps yesterday. It was a strangely familiar feeling. Losing control of oneself is always disconcerting. As I laid at the bottom of the steps, staring up at the place where I had left my ability to control my balance, I got the sense of realization. Although I had not taken a fall like that in a very long time, the sensation was familiar. I was in pain, but I did laugh at my clumsiness. But, something about the feeling of sameness didn’t seem so funny to me. It took me until tonight to start to see where that nagging feeling of déjà vu was coming from.
While leading with my heart, I have put myself on a collision course with a apparent crash. It seems, that unlike my flight down a handful of steps, this falling was based on clumsiness or anything else I had done to upset my own apple cart. I spent a good part of the day in the silence that a day off tends to bring me trying to find the tripwire. I had to break it down in my head to start to see the whole picture. And some of the realization was painful. Other parts were enlightening. And still, other parts, were just frustrating.
The way my mind works finds me making analogies out of things to understand life. The first thing I found myself seeing was myself sitting at a poker table. The game was being played normally, but for one critical exception. It seems my hand was laid out, face up, exposed for everyone to see. I would place my ante in the pot, cover wagers around the table, and place bets on the power of my own cards. I would discard those cards I saw as unhelpful and receive my draw cards, laying them out the same way as the others…face up and exposed. The problem here is obvious. Everyone can see your hand. They know where you are coming from, what you think you see, and they can play their hands with that knowledge having an advantage that goes beyond luck. Because, even with a winning hand, with all your cards exposed, you winnings will be nothing more than the ante because no one is going to bet against and shown winner. They will wait to see you with just enough to keep you in, holding hands that will beat you. And they will raise the stakes. Not because they want to hurt you. But, because they want to win as badly as you do. But, their advantage has removed all sense of fair.
Leading my life with an exposed hand has found me at a disadvantage. It has had me sensing that I may not be getting back all that I have been willing to give. Although there are moments that tell me that things are on the same page, there are the unexplained quiet moments that leave me feeling that I have been given a cold shoulder. If there was something that I had done to explain it, it would be easier to take. But, for the life of me, I have no idea what that could be. Not only have I shown my heart, but I have done it as honestly as I possibly could. And I have hidden nothing. So, to think that there may be something that I am not really aware of…I find hard to believe.
Realizing this, I see the start of the fall.
After some time of distraction, I return to the subject reluctantly. I have tried very hard to accept what I have been given lately with very little concern. I have tried to be understanding and patient. For these things, I have received amazing acts of love. But, as quickly as they come, they seem to disappear into thin air. It’s like being drenched with a hose, feeling the cooling sense and the pleasure in it, and suddenly the pressure reduces to drops that you are scrambling to have land on you just to get the feeling back. At some point, you start to realize that it’s just not enough. It’s not what you need. And it’s not what you deserve.
I am not sure where all this leaves me. That seems to be another problem for me. There is no sense of certainty. At some point, with effort and commitment, some surety should become the steadying piece that keeps you from falling. Without it, when the step turns treacherous, the loss of balance is inevitable. And when you lose control, you flail and twist trying desperately to regain your footing. Try as you might, you just can’t find it alone.
Repeated trips can have two effects. One would be an immediate turning away from the situation just to make sure that it never happens to you again. The other would be some kind of getting used to the falls coming. After a while, you stop realizing that it isn’t something that is supposed to happen to you. You take it for granted that this is the way things are supposed to be. Nothing can be further from the truth.
All any one of us want in these situations is the feeling that you are getting as good as you give. That you feel the return of all that you have turned over. When that isn’t occurring, there has to be a point that you realize it. There has to be a point that you see the truth.
As the day wound down today, I started to realize the most painful part of this lesson of falling. There is a point where the bumps, bruises, and scrapes start to take their toll on your ability to fight for what you so desperately want. What these falls can start to tell you is that you may being fighting harder than anyone else. And the battle of what the heart possesses can not be a battle fought alone. That kind of fight becomes tiring. It becomes depressing. And it becomes endless.
I have not given up. But, the repeated losses of balance have caused a moment of pause within me. I realize that it’s time to plant my fight in the ground, stand firm, and not settle for less than I think I deserve. If that can’t be worked out, than there really can not be anything to fight for.
So, I have dusted myself off…once again. I have treated the wounds. And I will stand and fight one more time. But, this time with the knowledge that this path has to be clear. It has to be level. And it has to be done hand in hand. If not, there really is no point in taking any more steps.
And that would be the saddest thing of all.
No comments:
Post a Comment