There will be nothing left to say when this is done. I have said all I had to say. And falling short has become a very long journey. One of denial. One of delaying the understanding of what was always to come. In a moment on uncertainty, I allowed the thought that my words could make a difference. Change things. I was wrong. They have only put on the record, for all to see, that I have been unable to face the truth.
When faced with a conclusion that was never really believed, I decided to fight back with the only weapon I have…my words. Some have laughed. Some have called me a fool. Hell, I have thought it on occasion. They are shocked and confused that I show it all with words. That I allow anyone to read them. Well, maybe they are right. Maybe I have done myself a disservice by allowing everyone who cares to, see inside my head…inside my heart. But, the reasons are not the ones that you may think. It’s not that I feel so important that I believe that what I have to say can be a particle of change. It’s not that I feel that I do this better than anyone else. Not even close. And it’s not because I don’t care what people think I do, more than I care to admit. It was for understanding. Not just mine, but those that may see this.
I have spent a good part of my life believing that no one saw what I saw. That no one felt what I felt. That I had some sort of corner on emotional understanding. I have to tell you, that I am truly clueless. I don’t know the right things to say. I don’t know the right things to do. I am locked inside by a fear that I have allowed to grip me since deciding that living closed down wasn’t working for me. I had to open up. I had to show who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. Mostly because I have never really been sure that it would be seen well by anyone. I have never been told one way or the other. When brief glimpses of what is really going on inside me have been shown in the past, for the most part, they have been returned to me with scorn, ridicule, and a deep desire to put me back in the box that made those around me comfortable.
There have been a small handful of people, prior to all this writing, that have seen inside. My friend, Mike, is one of them. He knows me better than anyone on the planet. And he loves me. Loves me like a brother…like a true friend. And he tells me things. He tells me what he sees, what he hears, what he feels from me. He has always been there for me. He has told me when I was wrong before I could bare to understand the possibility. Two times he told me what a mistake I was making. And both times, with foresight not hindsight, he was shown to be right. He is the greatest friend anyone can have. And I am going to miss him when the Lord decides that it’s time to end his pain and take him home, but he will live in my heart…with his love, concern, hope, and caring…for the rest of my days. I really wish you could know him. I really wish you could see what makes him so special to me. Everyone should know someone like this. Someone who makes you believe in humanity. Believe in friendship as the unwavering gift that it can be when you see past what it gives you and you realize what you can give to it.
I spent a lot of years hiding myself, even from Mike. I just couldn’t bare for anyone to see what I really was becoming. I was bitter, angry, tired, depressed, and completely unable to find joy in anything. There are a lot of reasons for that. But, mostly, I am too blame. I stepped in life’s potholes and then was shocked to find myself muddy, bruised, and completely unable to understand why. I locked myself in a cave and stayed there, content with the knowledge that by staying so sheltered within my own head, no one could ever hurt me again. There is a flaw to that plan. That by hiding away, you become invisible. You become nothing. I had become nothing.
Being nothing becomes comfortable. Like an old pair of sweats, they wrap us up in comfort and we just lay around in them, because of that. Being nothing means no expectations. Which means no disappointments and no pleasures. It means never having to say your sorry, because you never do anything to put yourself in a position to have to do it. It means pulling away from all those that care about you, because they have lost sight of you anyway. Doesn’t seem to be a point to it all, until you realize that the true person that you is missed by those that care. But, the invisibility becomes your friend. It becomes a way of avoiding life all together.
I stepped out of that cave recently. I have those who have encouraged me to show me the way. Your kind words have made this the very best time of my life. People have asked my why I decided to do this, to write from my gut and share it all. Well, to be honest, I haven’t shared it all. There are things I just can’t say. I don’t know that I will ever be able to tell anyone else. They are painful. Some have been buried so long, that I am not sure I can ever reach down inside myself enough to share them with anyone. But, they are written and saved in the electronic box. I think I will just leave those here and when I am gone, someone can find them…and maybe they will understand a little more.
For those of you who have said how foolish I have been, you have that right. I will not try to insult you by damning your opinion. It may be that you just don’t understand the power of words. It may be that you just can’t understand the nature of the gift I find in them. Or maybe, the truth is, you just can’t understand me. And that is …well, understandable. Hell, I don’t understand me. But, in me saying that…doesn’t make you understand more? Sort of a catch 22. To be understood, we have to do the misunderstood…take the risk…open up…and show that, in the end, we are all very much the same. All I have ever tried to do with this is shine a light on the places we are all very afraid to look have…admit…share. I have, up to this point, done most of it without fear, believing that the honest nature of the words would win over the doubters. That by sharing, I would find a way to show everyone that we can be ourselves and not fear rejection. My only real expectation was that of understanding. For the realization that, although from different paths, we all have our insecurities and our feelings of being different. And it’s those understandings that make us all the same. And from that realization, we grow. I know that I have grown.
Maybe I am wrong in all of this. Maybe it is foolish to believe that words can change anything. I have struggle with this lately, finding it very hard to write at all. And, I believe that I have seen that difficulty as a sign that it may be time to stop this. When you know in your heart you have so much more to say, but can’t seem to say it…it’s time to put down the pen and paper. Maybe it’s time to stop broadcasting all this. Maybe it’s just time to shut the hell up.
So, for now…to all those who see this and laugh…I say it may be time to stop. Time to just let things be. Because, sometimes words, like love, just isn’t enough. Maybe it’s time to step back a bit into the cave and keep my head down. Because, when you realize that no one is going to wake up tomorrow morning and realize that anything was lost, it starts to lose it’s meaning. When no one is going to even realize that they can’t see you anymore, the cave becomes a safe haven from the rejection.
So, for now…it’s time to do just that. For more reasons than I can count…for more reasons than I can share…I think I need to stop this public display of my thoughts. Because, in the end, it was never for the compliments. It was never for the kind thoughts. It was simply for the understanding. For the realization that I am real. That I have tried to show how similar we are by being different. But, sometimes…even with the best of intentions…the very thing we are trying to do gets lost in the judgment. And the laughter is hard to withstand. Shame is very hard to get over. And rejection…in any form…is a pain worse than any other.
So, I think I will go quietly…to the next step. And try very hard to find another way out of this cave. Until then, the quiet part of my nature has to take over. And that is all I have. I sure hope someday, it’s enough.
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