Her Name Was Michelle

Her name was Michelle.

It was two weeks before Thanksgiving in 1987. How am I so sure? Well, read on…you will see.

It was a cold early winter day in Philadelphia. I was sitting in a small bar across the street from work that was a favorite hang out for a group of us before heading home a couple nights a week. This night, I was alone. It had been a rough day and I just wanted to relax before heading on that train back to Jersey.

I had been there about an hour when I heard the door open and turned to see if I recognized a face. The first person through the door was this beautiful redheaded woman. Hair curly and shiny down to the middle of her back. A face that would cause angels to blush and eyes that could hurt you from a hundred miles away. I lost my breath.

Behind her came a person I knew. The office manager from the firm I worked for and two secretaries from admin…all of whom I considered friends. They saw me, waved and came over. I was introduced.

Michelle.

I bought drinks for all, just so they would sit. They told me that they were headed to a small piano bar not far from here and that I was welcome to join them. I hesitated. I didn’t want to break up what to appeared to be a “Girls Night Out” kind of thing. They assured me that wasn’t the case, that there were others that would be meeting them, and that if I didn’t have any other plans, please come. I didn’t commit right away. I will be honest, I was nervous. And that was not something I was used to being.

I was 27 years old. I was a paralegal. I was a part of the local music scene in Philly and South Jersey. Had been for a couple of years. I wasn’t by no means famous. But, I knew people. And I had no trouble with company. My trouble, if that is what you would call it, would be commitment. Not just to a relationship. Hell, to a date. To a moment. I just never took anything…any situation what so ever having to do with the opposite sex very seriously. I wasn’t like some who saw it as a game. They would lie and say anything to have someone’s attention for a short time and then just discard them. No, I didn’t go that far. I was honest. Told the women I knew at that time there was no chance for relationship. There was no marriage in my future. There may not be another date. I lived in the moment and I liked it. So, I never made plans further than a day or so. I rarely kept phone numbers for any length of time. I just didn’t care enough. I just didn’t want the responsibility.

Michelle.

I couldn’t take my eyes off her. And I am pretty sure she noticed right away. I am pretty good at wearing a mask during the “I don’t give a shit” moments of my life. But, when something reaches in a pulls me out a bit, I wear all that on my sleeve. I have a very difficult time hiding it. And I was having a huge problem here. I remember going to the piano bar. We ended up sitting next to each other. I remember going to the men’s room and throwing water on my face. Doing all I could to shake this weird feeling that I was having. I will be honest, it was foreign to me. I seemed to have vague recollections of it in high school. But, that was so long ago. I just couldn’t seem to recall the reason for it then to determine the reason for it now.

We talked all night. It was a table of 10, but it was party of two. We both had been born in Pittsburgh. Her parents had also been divorced since she was young. She also had moved around a lot. She loved her Steelers. We liked the same music. We had read many of the same books.

All this discovered sitting in a noisy piano bar.

We all got up to leave and made our way to the street. We stood there deciding which way each of us was going and who would travel with whom. I stated that I need to catch the train to Jersey to pick up my car. Michelle said she had driven and asked which train station I was heading to.

“Collingswood is where my car is.”

“I live in Collingswood. Don’t take the train, I will get you to your car. It will be quicker.”

I remember the look from my friend the office manager. A look that said:

“I know you, asshole. This is my friend. Don’t you do anything to hurt her. I will hunt you down like a dog if you do. Asshole.”

I agreed to the ride. I was pleased to have some extra time, time alone with this person. I can honestly say that those thoughts had not entered my mind about any woman that I had been close to (in my narrow definition of close), ever. As I said, I never cared enough about the next minute to concern myself about who would be in it. I just floated.

The ride was full of music talk and stories about mutual friends. It seemed that we knew a lot of the same people. When I asked how I hadn’t met her before, she said that she had been sort of away. And she left it at that. We got to the train station way to fast. She pulled up next to my car and parked. We sat there for over an hour. Neither one of us wanted to stop talking. We decided that parking lot sitting was just stupid and made our way over to the nearby diner. We each had tea (she didn’t drink coffee either) and we split a bowl of ice cream.

The conversation turned to relationships. I stated that I wasn’t in one and hadn’t really been in one in a very long time. She asked how long and I told her there was a girl here in Jersey that I was serious about when I was in the service, seven years before. I know that seven years to me now doesn’t seem like a long time, but when you are in your late twenties, that is forever.

She told me that she has just gotten out of an engagement. She said that was what she meant by “away”. She said that he had been a very controlling person who did his best to separate her from her friends. He was older than her, in his early forties. He had been divorced once already and had blamed the entire thing on his first wife. Said that she didn’t understand him, etc. What she realized is that it wasn’t exactly how it happened. The ex-wife had contacted her and told her there was some violence in the marriage. That when he didn’t get his way, his fists would fly. She said she hadn’t seen that side of him up to that point, but said that some of his actions made it easy for her to believe. They lasted a few short weeks after that and then she broke it off. He didn’t take it well and she quit her job and moved out of town for awhile. She had only been back in the area for about two months on this night.

I could see the hurt in her face as she told me all this. I also remember the look of surprise when she realized that she had said all this to someone she hadn’t known existed just 6 hours before.

She told me I was sweet. She told me that I must be special to someone, the way I could just listen, know just when and what to say. That I must be in someone’s heart.

I assured her that none of that was the case. She argued over the “sweet” part, and I reluctantly gave in…I wasn’t sure I knew what sweet was, so how could I argue?

I walked her to her car. She handed me her business card. Asked me to call her sometime, that maybe we could talk again. I was shocked. Truly shocked. I gave her my card and told her that she would hear from me….soon.

I went home that night and couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t get the sight of her out of my eyes. I couldn’t get the smell of her out of my head. I remember getting up and pacing my apartment. I just couldn’t figure out what the hell was happening to me. What was going on? I fought this kind of thing for years. Ever since the beautiful Patty had left me for my best friend just weeks after the ship I was on left for a Med. Cruise. That was one long cruise after that. Nine months of long letters and longer nights thinking about those two together. It was hell. And I swore I would never allow any female to wrap me up like that ever again. Never.

Until Michelle.

See, you can make a promise to yourself like that, but you will learn that you have very little control over what happens to you when it comes to love. It will leave you alone for a while. Let you fumble around and play the little games you play thinking that you are staying ahead of the emotional system. Never getting too close. Never promise anything. Never commit. And for God’s sake, never tell a woman that you feel anything.

Until Michelle.

The very next day, there was a message waiting for me at the front desk. Pam, the receptionist, smiled at me and asked; “Who’s Michelle? She must be special if you actually told her where you work.” I ignored her, desperate to read the words on the little pink note pad.

“Thank you for last night. It’s the most interesting and fun evening I have had in a long time. Hoping “soon” is soon. Michelle.”

I lost my breath again.

I called her immediately and set up a date for lunch. Okay, not a date…we both agreed not to call it that. We were just two new friends meeting for lunch. That’s all. I went to my friend, the office manager, and told her the situation. I explained to her that I found her friend very interesting and that we had a great time doing nothing but talking and that I just wanted a chance to get to know her better. I told her that I would do everything in my power not to do anything at all to hurt her. She just stared at me for a few seconds.

“Holy Shit, Chuck. Finally, I see it. I have known you for four years and I have never seen this look in your eyes. She got to you, didn’t she. After the dozens of little girls you have been wasting your life with, she actually got to you. Ha, I didn’t think any of us would live to see this. Well, good for you…just be careful with her. She is fragile. And she is an amazing person. She deserves better than what she has had and better than you have given anyone in the past. So tread lightly, or I will hurt you myself.”

Message received.

We had an amazing lunch. We had gotten pasta bowls from a little place on 15th street and then walked over to the “Love” fountain across from city hall to stretch our legs. I walked her back to her building. And, standing at the elevator banks, alone with a hundred people around, she kissed me on the cheek and thanked me for a wonderful lunch.

Michelle.

At that moment, I knew I was in serious trouble. I was done. Ready to be served. I watched her get into that elevator and each step pierced my skin. The doors closed, and I just stood there unable to move. The numbers above the door started climbing and with each floor I felt a pang in my chest as if I had suffered a great loss.

Two days later, I came into work to find another message. Pam smiled at me again; “Two messages from the same woman in a week? You? I don’t think so.”

“Loved lunch, how about dinner. I can’t cook, so how about somewhere in Jersey? I know a place. Let me know. Michelle”

I called her back right away and we made plans for that evening. We talked over steaks and wine. For the first time I noticed things like candles on the table. I noticed the music playing in the background. But, mostly I noticed just how far away she seemed on the other side of that table. We talked forever. We held hands. And as we were leaving, standing in the archway waiting for the valet to bring my car, she kissed me. Not on the cheek. She kissed me.

And I lost my knees.

We went back to her place and we watched a movie. We had popcorn and a couple of beers. She asked me about my plans for the holidays and I told her I didn’t have any. My father and his wife were going to her parents for Thanksgiving, my sisters were all doing things with their families, and I hadn’t committed to anything.

She told me that she could use my help. She said that she had talked to Jacquie (the office manager) about me. I was a little worried, to be honest. But, she said that Jacquie had nothing but nice things to say. Said my biggest problem was that I hadn’t been able to see life past myself for a long time. She also told her that I was kind of known for being a decent cook amongst my friends. Michelle had an idea. She was having friends over for the holiday, but was afraid that she would mess up the cooking. She asked if I would be willing to help her. I agreed, but I told her there may be a concern.

“You do realize, that if you and I are making Thanksgiving dinner for a group of your friends, people that I don’t know, there may be a thought that we, as a couple, are doing this and that they may think….”

“Let them think what they want. As long as you and I know what we are, I am okay.”

“And what are we, Michelle.”

“Just getting started, Chuck.”

The next 10 days or so flew by. We shopped for all the food together, all the spices, all the desserts. We planned the whole menu together and we were hardly apart during those two weeks. I was in absolute heaven. And I think she was, too.

The holiday arrived and was a great success. I don’t consider myself to be charming or even engaging most times. But, this night…things just sort of went my way. The food was terrific and Michelle knew more about the kitchen then she led on. We made a great team and set an amazing table. Everyone left full, happy, and seemingly very happy to see their friend so happy.

The next few weeks went very quickly. Christmas was spent between our two families. We had an amazing New Years and the future just seemed to look amazing.

Just a week before Valentine’s Day, my long time friend, Mike, called me and asked me if I was ever going to hang out again. I had seen my friends in the last few months, but always with Michelle with me. He was looking for a “Guys Night” and I just didn’t feel it. He came to my house that night and we had a few beers and talked. He said he was concerned for me. That he had never seen me like this…one woman?…no way. I told him that I really cared about her. He asked if I could see a long term future with her and I said yes. I told him that I thought I was in love with her. I told him that I woke up everyday thinking of reasons to have to see her. I told him that there was no one else for me, anywhere.

He laughed. He laughed a lot.

“Not you, dude. So, not you. I know you. This is crazy. You don’t go out like this. You have to snap out of it. You need a night out with the boys. You need to get some of this crap blown off you. Come on, dude…please…lets go out.”

I refused at first. Told him that night, Michelle and I were going to a friends house for a wine and cheese thing.

“Wine and Cheese? What the hell is wrong with you? Where is Chuck? I don’t know man, you have changed in a ugly way. All committed and lovey dovey bullshit. I can’t take this. It’s not you. Okay, fine…you want to prove to me it’s the real thing. Tomorrow night, you and me….a couple of clubs…some dinner…music…just hanging out like boys. And you finish that night and you tell me that you don’t miss that…that you didn’t have fun, I will let you and this Michelle run off to the romantic little hell you seem to have envisioned.”

I reluctantly agreed. The wine and cheese thing went fine. Agreed, it’s not really my kind of thing, but it was hers. And that is all that mattered. I told her that Mike and I were going to hang out the next night and that I would see her Sunday, to make plans for Valentines Day. She agreed. I went home that night feeling like something was wrong. Feeling like I had made a some huge mistake. I didn’t lie. I told her I was going out and with whom. I didn’t tell her all the Mike had said, didn’t see the point in that. I figured I would get through the evening, tell Mike that I was happy and Michelle and I were going to be together for a long time and it would be done.

Mike and I went out that next night and hit three separate clubs on South Street. I enjoyed seeing some old friends playing music and just hanging out. But, my thoughts were in a little apartment in Collingswood. I just wanted to get through this night as quickly as possible and call her to see if she was still up and see if I could come over. Mike suggested a small place over near where I lived to close out the night. It was just short of eleven. I figured, call her when I got to the place and let her know I would be there in less than an hour. Get Mike done with and still get to see her. Best of both worlds.

Mike had met a few people in the last club in Philly and told them where we were going. We split the group up between three cars and headed over. I had a guy that Mike and I knew from a the shore club scene and two girls that I didn’t know at all. All lived in Jersey and said they could find ways to their cars from the place we were going. We arrived first. I walked through the door laughing a joke my shore friend was telling on the way in, one of the girls leaned on me as we were going through the arch way, I turned and….

There, sitting at a table….Michelle and two of her friends.

I never got a chance to explain. I tried. For days I made calls. I sent flowers only to have them sent back to my office. I stopped by her apartment, but she wouldn’t answer the door.

I never really spoke to her again.

____________________________________________________________________________________

A few years ago, I had heard from an old friend that Michelle had passed. She had lost a short battle with breast cancer. I remember hanging up the phone and crying my eyes out for a woman that I hadn’t spoken to in over twenty years.

I had felt things for her that I could never duplicate. I tried. I tried so damn hard. But, you can’t create magic, it just happens. And I did a stupid thing. And I let her get away. And with her, went that part of me that could feel that way. That part of me that could really feel magic.

I thought it was gone forever.

I recently discovered I was wrong. The only thing that I was missing this time was timing. I have thought a lot of Michelle over the last couple of weeks. Not as some target in what I was seeking. I wasn’t looking to use someone to replace her. No, that wasn’t it at all.

It was the fact that for the first time since meeting that amazing woman, I felt that magic again. I believed in it again. And falling short, doesn’t change that. The outcome will be the same. But, the chance to feel that again, well that is priceless. To have the first thought of every day and the last one at night to be about someone else, is amazing. The fact that it’s not reciprocated is irrelevant. To a point.

When you notice that your feelings are starting to make the situation difficult for the other person, that is hard to take. It’s hard to admit that you have crossed a line with emotion. There would seem, in a perfect world, no lines when it comes to feelings…as long as no one gets hurt. And I assume that is correct. I was just so wrapped up in myself and what I was feeling that I stopped thinking about what I was doing to someone else. How uncomfortable I may have made things for her. And just how much she was wishing things weren’t they way they seemed to be. I think that I may have come very close to losing a friend. And that is not a price I am willing to pay. She is special to me. So was Michelle. And in that situation, I didn’t see past my own feelings…my friend’s feelings…to realize that what I was doing, innocent as it was, was wrong. And so was this situation. Innocent? Yes. But, wrong of me to think that my feelings were more important than that of someone else.

I have said it a lot recently and I will end this with the same words. I am a very lucky man. I have felt overwhelming magic twice in my life. And I fell short both times, but….I wouldn’t change a moment of it. I don’t regret a moment of it. I hope that they never did either.