Just stuff

(My Apologies for any errors that may be here when I am done. Freestyling on about8 hours of sleep in two days. But, mind is full...just need to say something, I guess)

It has been a pretty amazing couple of overnight days for me. Okay, setting mods and doing clearance markdowns in toys are not exactly life changing events. But, those things that have come with them have been learning experiences, attitude changing, and lessons of what is important to me.

It all started with trying to see past myself on any given day. I work very hard at doing as many unselfish acts a day as possible. I don't actually count them, but I do take notice when I do them...especially without thinking about them first. The natural ones..the ones that just seem to come with little effort and cause me to pause at the power of creating ripples in our daily lives. I have been blessed recently to have many ripples come my way. Not all have been as pleasant as others. I admit that some just flat out confuse the hell out of me...cause me to stop and try to figure out what place my footing is riding on. But,even those moments...as mindbending as they may seem to be, always make me pause...smile...and remember that I am alive, aware, and able to feel. And there is never anything wrong with that.

I upset a very good friend in the last couple of days. It was not something that I did intentionally and I sure as heck didn't mean for it to happen. If I could go back and change the actions that I performed to make it all go away, I would. The thing that I wish that I could explain is that I am sorry that I took something so important to this person and made a mockery of it because I was trying to teach a third person a lesson in passing the buck on responsibility. I was part of a decision that would not have been made if the responsibility had not fallen to me. But, because it did...I treated it with a lighter fair than I should have and in so doing, I hurt the feelings of my friend. I hope she will forgive me. Because, it was the very last thing I ever wanted to do.

I think I may have also done something similar to another person. I am not so sure about this one. Again, it is something that I feel terrible about and I wish I could change it. I wish that I would have been more aware of the possibility of doing something so callus. I would never do anything to hurt this person...and I hope she knows that. Sometimes I don't think before I act. I don't see the specialness of something and I can spoil it without even trying. I beg forgiveness.

Something quite unsuspected happened to me last night while working. A moment passed, and a jolt was passed between two. It was a simple thing. Probably something you would laugh at, if you knew what it was and that I was making it so important. It lasted the briefest of seconds, in the moment, but has carried on to this very one and probably beyond...at least for me. I can't explain it much better than that except to say that I won't soon forget it or the feeling of breaking away from the safety of being careful. A moment. The briefest of time periods, can take our breath away. And for that, if only for that...we continue to believe in the unbelieveable, no matter just how far away it may be.

I have spent some time going back and rereading some of what I have posted here on this blog. To the unaware or unknowing eye, it may seem as if I am trying to project a small "victim" ideology of my life. I assure you that if that is what is projected, I have not led that kind of life. I have two...count them..two failed marriages. Although the actions of the other may have brought the endings in both situations, understand that my actions leading up to those moments were never very good. I have made mistakes. Many. And not the, Oppps, an accident kind of mistakes either. But, straight up, "How can I hurt this person today?" kind of mistakes. I am trying very hard to learn from those mistakes as to never repeat them. I don't want to be that selfish again. I never want to be that cold again. I have only just started to realize who I am. Who I could be. My taking a risk and exposing a part of me that I have held in check for a very long time is partially responsible. The friendships that I have made here in Shippensburg have also done a lot to help me, too. I just know that I am tired of fighting windmills with anger. I am tired of feeling I have to prove to the world I am worthy. What I am finding is that by just being who I am, who I want to be...my worthiness grows in the eyes of others. And for that I am blessed. For that I am lucky to have learned it before I left this life. Some are not so lucky. I feel for them. Because, being on this side of the looking glass is so much better than being outside looking in.

Also, over the course of the last two days I have gotten to know someone a little better. I am kind of surprised by just how much this person has taught me about appreciating what we have in our lives and how the ability to stop and show what even a virtual stranger can feel for us can make a person smile. The biggest lesson I have relearned in this set of moments is just how much we share in the appreciation of these kinds of acts. I have been lucky enough to have a lot of people provide me with them lately. I have stated before, I have an amazing (oh, that word) ability to find the best of them and call them my friends. And they never fail, everyday, to remind me, with their acts, just how damn lucky I am to know them. And, I think that what I have also learned, is that providing those moments back to those we care about is very important, but also much easier than doing it for someone we don't know as well. Giving of ourselves, in the simplest of ways, can be difficult at times. We fear trust issues...fear that we will be seen in a bad light for just taking a moment to show a little heart. What I am discovering in recent weeks, is that for all of those moments when our fears may be justified, there are dozens of opportunities that prove that we are doing the right thing. Call it a spiritual thing, a human thing, or just a natural act of someone trying to repay his debt to the selfish life he has led for so long...it has shown itself to me to be as deeply felt on the receiving end as it is by the giver. Attention. Just noticing that another person lives...and just may need someone to step up or step with them is a powerful thing. It changes lives...attitudes...and makes the world a better place, if only for a moment.

If we can see each day as our platform to create ripples in this world, we would be taking full advantage of our our capabilities to make a difference in this life. Water and sand are two of my favorite subjects for analogy. I find them fasinating to say the very least. Especially when the are used together. Allow me a moment for example:

The digging out of a mountain causes dirt to fill the skys. Clouds of dust clog air condtioners, fans, and even the breathing system for cars, causing them to choke. The wind blows this dark cloud hundreds of miles, under rain clouds that do their job by washing the sky of all the things we send into it with our technology based society. The dirt and dust return to the Earth in our rivers, streams, and oceans mixing with the water to become silt which gathers near the bottom and is rolled around by the waves, current, stages of the moon, movements of the Earth it self, and wind direction. Eventually, it can roll in on a wave at high tide, ony to be left on the beach at low tide to dry in the afternoon sun becoming sand. The sand, almost as light as air itself, is blown around the beach landing in various spots. It has the chance of becoming the tower of a child's sand castle the next day. From destruction to a child's delight. Ripples. Reactions to actions that change everything and make things whole.

These ripples, which can start by a simple hello, can travel over oceans and land mass to cause a change in a moment somewhere far away. These changes may be things we will never know that our actions had a hand in. Maybe it's best that we don't know, being the ego based beings we are, we would want to claim credit where little is due. But, the initial action that causes the ripple is on us. We are responsible for the type of ripple and the strength. The thought that overwhelms me is the possibility for a hundred, a thousand, or ten's of thousands of ripples to arrive in the same spot at the same time. If all sent with the best of intentions, the difference that could make to the world we live in. I just hope I can be in that spot. If only for a moment. What a moment that would be.

I am thankful for all that I have learned. Even the manner in the way I have learned them, the scars visible if you look. But, I didn't enjoy what occurred for me to learn these lessons. But, going through them has made me who I am...as your have made you who you are. We are the sum of the lessons we have learned. And it's those lessons that help me to see the miracles that I have before me everyday. And for that...because of that...I am a better man.