One of the greatest lessons we can learn is the power of our words. We sometimes take for granted just how much strength lies there. More powerful than any weapon man can devise, it falls to us to give them the respect they deserve.
I have been in love with words my whole life. I spend so much time wrapping my head around the minimal ability I have in putting them together so that they make sense. I strive to say something that means something. I find, most times, that I fall short of my aim. I just can’t seem to get the string to lay out as straight as I need it to so that the desired effect is achieved. It’s frustrating. I know when I sit down to do this, what it is I want to say, but the result is always less than I intended.
On this day, for instance, my ability is falling short. I know what I want to say, what I must say…I just can’t seem to do it. But, I will try.
I woke in the deep dark of early morning. I got very little sleep. There are many reasons for this. My heart was racing over things I thought I saw. My vision was clouded by my desire to make the moments mean more than they really did. I dressed for the day with an excitement that I cannot say I have ever matched before. The reasons are mine. And there they will stay. I can only say that it was as real to me as this screen is to me now. I could see it so clearly. The tide had turned and the waves had started crashing into me and the feeling was incredible.
Another reason for all of what was happening and going to happen to me today, was the fact that just a couple days ago, the papers that signal my freedom arrived after a very long wait. This could be seen by some as something to mourn. The ending of a union is never pleasant. But, after years of ugliness, after a year of being made to feel less than, the key to the rest of my life arrived in an envelope. It signals a change that is coming for me. Freedom from fear of losing what I have gained since I was told I was no longer needed. The gains that I had made here could be made safe from the hands of another who has sworn to come after all I have. I have taken great pains to protect myself. I have lived without as not to have anything of value that can be taken from me by a court who may ignore the effort that this rebuilding has taken and just draw a line on what belongs to whom and how much.
When you add to this that I had a plan for the day. I was aware of something. A celebration was occurring today. It really had nothing to do with me. I had no obligation. But, I felt the need. I felt the want to do something to contribute to what was happening today. And, in doing so, I found a better part of myself. I found a place of self worth and the ability, with one simple act, to make a difference on a day. Don’t get me wrong, the day was special without me touching it. But, taking a moment to make a moment seemed to be my calling today. I stepped out of myself enough, took the chance to make a difference. And I have to tell you, the feeling was heart stopping. And the power of words struck me, struck me hard with two syllables.
“Thank you.”
The only thing that I can imagine that comes close to the power of words that I speak of, is the power to make another person smile. Especially when it’s a smile they never saw coming. Especially when it’s a smile they never suspected would be generated by the likes of me. I can only say that I was blessed to be in that moment, to see that smile, and to feel as if, for one day, for one moment, in one life…I made a difference. Not trying to sound self-important. On the contrary, as I have said the day would have been special without me and my gesture. But, to do something that makes it seem a little more bright, a little more golden, well…it’s humbling.
Later on, a woman came to me concerning the purchase of a printer. The item was actually for someone who was accompanying her. The second woman was obviously challenged. I was given a handwritten note with information concerning a specific printer and it’s specs were written out in a shaky hand, but more informed than any tech sheet on a web page than I have ever seen. The model number was there. The first woman explained that the young lady wanted “that printer. That model.” It was a number that we have crossed referenced with at least three other printers of the same line. The numbers are close, but not exact. We, who do what we do, are aware that this happens…products can be practically the same…differences hard to detect, but the item or model numbers are different.
“Numbers are important to her.”
I understood what the first woman was saying immediately. Although the cross reference would look, perform, and by all accounts be the same, it would always be different to the purchaser if the model numbers didn’t match her piece of paper. I remembered that the printer in question was one that was in our seasonal area, being display with our “Back to School” products. I told them to follow me and lets see if we could find what they were looking for. At first glance at the four foot section of display, I only saw the crossed referenced models, their model numbers only being different with the last two digits. I knew that wouldn’t do. She wasn’t going to buy it if it didn’t match her researched notes. Notes she obviously had taken great pains to put together, her buying decision made long before she entered my department.
I pushed aside a few of the front facing printers and on the second shelf, just behind the faced unit, was the model she was searching for. It was the only one. And it was hidden there like it was only waiting for her to come and pick it up. I pulled the box out and with excitement said: “Here, I found you one. Look, the right number and everything.”
The smile that lit up that face stunned me into silence. The first woman, obviously a caretaker of some kind, couldn’t thank me enough. I find it hard sometimes to take that kind of gratitude for doing what I am being paid to do. But, in this moment, I knew that in their eyes, I had stepped out a little further on this one. Although it wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for any other customer, get them what they want, I could tell that I had done something that they would talk about for awhile.
In a matter of a couple of hours, I had found a way to make a difference in the lives of two separate people. I did nothing particularly remarkable, just followed my gut in one instance and did my job in another, but sometimes it’s those simple things…those moments when we just do what we know is right, that change days, weeks, months…or even lives for people. Again, not getting full of myself. Both of these situations could have happened to anyone today, I was just the lucky one to be there to catch the chance.
And again, those two words came in to play.
“Thank you.”
I spent the rest of my day just floating through it. Getting a lot done. Trying to mend a fence that had taken a bit of a beating recently. Making sure my group had what they needed before I left for the day. Which was something I was finding very hard to do. Leave for the day. The day had been so good. I knew that by leaving that building, the day would be heading towards it’s end and I just wasn’t ready for that yet. I wasn’t done swimming in it.
I walked around the last hour or so just thinking about all that had occurred in front of me. I know this all may seem kind of minimal to some. All I can say, is that you weren’t there. And you are not me. What I mean by that is today was the feeding of an understanding into who I am. What makes me who I am right now. Not who I was a year ago, or a month ago, or even yesterday. Just who I am today. Who I am trying very hard everyday to be. I fall short, as all of us do. But, on this day, I was feeling as if I had done my best to hit my target place.
I walked home from work without music in my ears for the first time. I didn’t want any distraction to my journey. I was lost in my own thoughts. About the gesture. About the printer. And about what had set me off on such a good path this morning. And I needed no music. The music was already in my head. Life’s own soundtrack was playing and I needed no earbuds for that.
The house was empty and quiet moments after I got home. I got myself some food and sat down to watch some television. I posted something on my wall that let everyone know just what I was feeling at the moment. With very little sleep over the last week, the lack of energy had caught up with me and I fell asleep in the middle of my dinner, sitting up on the couch, laptop at my side. This will not surprise my friend, Nick, who has seen this happen many times before.
I woke up a little confused about whether the time on the cable box in front of me was morning or night. Took me a good thirty seconds to recognize the time of day. I had been asleep, sitting up, sandwich on my lap for almost three hours.
When I stopped drinking, the one thing the doctor said was most important in my ability to stay sober is to avoid the “Too…” problem. Never get too hungry, too tired, too happy, too sad, too focused, too lazy, too energetic, too open, too closed off“…the list goes on. What happens in the moments of “too”s is that our minds can play tricks on us. For someone that may be having a struggle with recovery, the “too”s can bring a sense of healing that never really occurs. We lose perspective on our lives, our situations, and basic things in our life. I had fallen into the “too”s. I actually think that I have been buried in them for a few days. And with that comes the possibility of making a huge mistake. Of seeing things that weren’t really there. Avoiding the truth for the simple feeling of joy.
The truth of all was represented to me not long after I awoke. I can’t say that I was shocked. I can’t say that I was surprised in the least. Avoiding the truth doesn’t mean you don’t know it. It just means that for a little while, you chose to look away from it. And for that, no one is to blame but me. I fell into the “too”s. I should have known better.
There are certain times when words, with all their power, can move mountains. They can do the impossible. They can make the unfeeling feel something. They can make the blind see. The deaf hear. And they can make the lonely seem not so alone. What they can not do is change the truth. I tried to make them change the truth. In doing so, I have discovered, that in the world of words, I am not the biggest gun on the shelf. My words do not hold the power I thought they might. Sharing ideas, thoughts, or moments with others can make someone think. That is power. It can make them feel. Again, power. But, it cannot change the sun into the moon. It cannot change the stream into an ocean. And it cannot bring what we want most to us just because we say we want it, because we say we see it, because we say anything at all.
The lesson I have learned today is that we must find our definition in more than one place. If we assume one part of us makes us all of who we are we are not seeing our full picture. And when we fail to see all of ourselves, we can fall prey to the disappointment of that one thing erasing all the other things we have done that may not be so in focus.
My power in this line is limited. Times like this one, I feel completely unarmed. And at this moment, the power escapes me.
For that, I have no excuses. I have no apologies. And I am seeing, that in my day’s actions, that I have no regrets. Disappointment only comes from the result of an attempt. The only protection from that is to fail to try. I will never stop trying. Disappointment may continue. But, even that is better than having no power at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment