If you have read any of this stuff, first…I am shocked. I never thought that I was interesting or that I had anything to say that anyone wanted to hear. I have been a writer for a very long time in this vein. But, I have always kept it to myself. Sharing it would be exposing something that I wasn’t sure I wanted everyone to know. I still have moments of doubt. Fear of being considered foolish. Fear of feeling silly. But, fear is something that we all have to face head on. So, lets go…shall we?
Another thing you may be thinking is that I tend to write about things concerning pain or disappointment. I am here to say that it’s not all I think about. As a matter of fact, I rarely think about it at all. The reason is that I write it out and get it out of my head. It’s something I learned as a child. It’s something that I learned even more as I grew older, went to school, and learned more about structure of a story (whether it’s fiction or non). I don’t believe I am gifted. I just do my very best to write exactly what I feel in my heart and what I think in my head. If that is narcissistic, then so be it. But, it helps me to stay grounded.
In that context, there seems to be some curiosity about some things that I have posted. Those posts would be about a “crush”, I believe it’s been called. First, I honestly believe I may be way too damn old for a crush. I don’t know, maybe not. But, it seems such a childish term for what is going on inside me. And what that would be is happiness. I wish I could explain it more than that one simple word. And yet again, is it really that simple?
What I have noticed lately is just how unhappy so many people seem to be. Whether it’s about their personal life, work life, or something in between. I am not talking about everyday bitching. I am referring to a general unhappiness with the way things seem to be. And that disappoints me more than I can explain. Because, if those that seem to have so much aren’t happy, what chance do those of us that are trying to regain themselves again have in this quest for peace, love, and happiness?
Getting back to this curiosity, I admit that I am at fault. I have said things that obviously refer to someone and the internal complexity of what it is doing to me. I claim that. Guilty as charged. And the curiosity is natural, because I have failed to identify this person. I have served up a very personal side of myself without giving up the payoff pitch. There are some that believe they know. What they know is the past, a glimpse of a mistake that I made. Not really a mistake, more like a distraction.
What occurred is that I told a couple of people that I may be attracted to someone that was completely out of reach…for many reasons. I am not saying that I wasn’t finding the person attractive. She is truly beautiful. But, what she also is, is not near. She was safe to hide behind. What I started to realize is that what I had done is to claim feelings for someone that was a safe distance away from me so that I had not to show myself at all. No risk, no chance of getting hurt. No chance of being rejected. But, something really quite surprising and amazing occurred while I held up this false flag.
While I hid behind this lie, a light started to glow much closer. I tried very hard to ignore it…for many reasons. I tried very hard to convince myself that I was mistaken. But, that damn light just kept getting brighter and was shining right in my eyes.
Allow me at this time to apologize to those I seemed to lie to. I tried to tell one of them the truth not long ago. But, I was concerned that I would look like some fickle fool or someone chasing any thing of the opposite sex. Nothing could be further from the truth. Okay, when I was young…I sort of lived that life style for a long time. But, it’s not who I am now. So, again…to those people (they know who they are), I apologize.
So, this “crush” has been my secret for a while now. I didn’t want to face it at all. I thought that it was silly to think that anyone like “her” would look at me at all. I still have some doubts. But, doubts don’t change feelings. They just stop actions. They freeze us in place with the feeling that taking any next step will cause the ground to fall out from beneath us. But, it doesn’t mean that they are not valid. Doesn’t mean that the feelings aren’t real. What some have called a crush, may just be a torch. There is a difference, you know? A crush is a weightless thing we walk around with, like a feather that tickles us once in awhile and makes us giggle. A torch is heavy and never lets you forget that you own it. It shines on you and as the light gets brighter, the ability to hide what you feel becomes much more difficult. People notice. You can’t keep from leaving hints all over everything you say and do. And your own hints make you smile.
First let me say, that by all appearances…this is one sided. I will also say that the only two people that really know who I am talking about is her and I. Not because I have said it, but because I think to her it has had to become obvious. And that makes me smile and shake with fear all at the same time. I can’t sleep. I feel tongue tied around her some times. I believe, in those moments, that the words are just pouring out of my skin. I think about it all the time, my emotions going up and down with my belief in miracles and my doubts in my ability to attract this woman…probably the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. No, not probably.
The last week and a half have had me walking a little taller, feeling like the past has finally let me go and allowed me to feel again. For those of you that really know me, I have been shut down for years. I have made no secret of that to anyone that has had the curiosity to ask. I know there are some that say I don’t say much at work. Granted, I may not initiate conversations often unless it’s work related, but when asked, I answer…with truth, cause that is the only thing I can do.
There is a very good chance that no one will ever know more than what I am saying right now. There is a very real chance that nothing will ever come from all that is stirring inside me. I told a friend not long ago, after meeting his girlfriend, that he shot way over his head and hit a bulls eye. Meaning that he was walking with someone way out of his league. First, I hope he knows I was joking. But, in this instance….my feelings, if aimed properly, have me shooting for a place beyond the stars and I know it. I know it more than anyone.
But, here is the point. The real reason for writing any of this. Even if my shot misses badly, no one can ever take the last few days of smiling, excitement, and a feeling of acceptance away from me. In the last year here in Ship, I have met some really amazing people. Some have made me laugh, some have me praying for them daily, and others have made me think more than they realize. This person has, without even realizing it, made this silly fool think that his last chance really wasn’t his last chance. That there is a world out there that very well may want me to be a part of it. And for that, I thank her more than I can say.
And for it all, I am truly grateful that the light shined in my eyes and handed me a torch that has, so far, been an amazing thing to carry. That sound you here is the sound of the stone wall around my heart falling away. Can you hear it? Do you think she can hear it? God, I hope so. And, the only hope is that it makes her smile.
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