It's been approximately 14 months since I have seen my step-children. To say that this has been a difficult year would be an understatement. I was married for over 10 years...we were together for 2 years before that. The youngest child was just a little over three years of age when I showed up on the scene. Their father was the poster child for absentee. He only wanted to spend time with those kids to make their mother's life more difficult. When he had them, he hardly acknowledged them. They believed that it was the way father's acted. I set out to show them differently.
I was not a perfect parent. There really is no such thing. We all make mistakes. We all do things we wish we could go back and change. I know that I did everything I could out of love for each of them. I love them like my own and there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for them.
Their mother had done all she could to poison my relationship with the kids as soon as I was gone. The first couple of weeks were filled with emails telling me just how they missed me. Just how much they wish I could and would come home. It took their mom about 6 weeks to convince them that I was selfish and didn't love them. Coincidently, it was about the same time I refused to send her money to fix her car...or should I say my car...but, the one I left there for her as I got on a bus heading northeast.
So, imagine my surprise when a month or so ago, I get an email from my step-daughter. A beautiful young lady of 18 years. Smart and athletic, every parent's dream child. I was and am so proud of her. She knows that. She knows it very well.
She sent a few emails to let me know that she had been thinking about me. That she wondered how I was and when I was coming home, if ever. I softly explained that there was no chance of that. That I was home. That I was trying very hard to create a life for myself here. And that, no matter what, they...her and her brothers, would always be such an important part of my life. And if I could do anything for them, they should let me know.
She informed me last month that she as planning to get married in the fall. Her and her boyfriend had been dating since last October and were very much in love. I told her she may be too young. I told her all the things a father probally should, while trying be supportive. I told her that I would support her decision, no matter what it was. But, that I was worried for her.
A week after this annoucement I received an email with an attachment of a picture. The picture was one of her, in a wedding dress. It looked big, unfitted. It look off the rack and in need of tailoring. She told me that she went to the store just to window shop and saw the dress in the store and just loved it. She said that her mother told her that it was too much. She said she loved the dress.
I didn't agree to pay for it right away. I told her that sometimes we have to get what we can afford. That it wasn't about the dress, but about the love in the room and the reason for being there. She said she knew that. But, she, like all little girls, dreamed of a big wedding that she was never going to have...but, she thought she could at least get the dress she wanted. I agreed. $1400.
I saw the store name in one of the pictures that she sent to me...on a display on a shelf behind her. I looked it up online and called them. I told them about the situation and that I would like to pay for the dress. The women at the store told me that she wasn't sure who I was talking about or which dress. She told me that my step-daughter needed to come back to the store, select the dress, get measured, and then and only then, could she create a bill for me to pay. I told her that I would send her there right away.
I sent my step-daughter an email and told her about the conversation with the store owner. She said that she would do what she had to do and would let me know when it was time to call them back. After about a week, I emailed her again to check the status.
Today, getting home from work, I openned my email to find one from her. She wanted me to send the money directly to her and that she would pay for it herself when she went back to the shop. She said it would be easier that way, and...oh, yeah, she needed an additional 200 for alterations. I wrote her back and said that I would prefer to deal with the shop directly and I wanted to know how she knew how much the alterations were if she hadn't been back to the shop.
The next email showed me just how wrong I was about this whole thing. I had thoughts of being asked to walk her down the aisle. It would have been uncomfortable, but I would have done it. Her worthless father doesn't deserve the right to do it. And I would have been so proud. I spent a few weeks believing that I would see my step-children again. It filled my heart with hope for so much in my life. So, so ....so much.
Her last email told me that she just wanted the money. That she wasn't sure which dress she was getting, but I had already agreed to the amount. She said her mother told her that if I really loved her, I would send her exactly what I had agreed I would pay the bridal shop. That I would send it to her. No invitation to come, no walking down the aisle. I was a checkbook...for a wedding I am not sure even exists.
How low can people stoop? So low that they use their children to get all they can. Taking all I had in the world wasn't enough. Taking my step-children away from me isn't enough. Forcing me out of my family in shame and sadness isn't enough. Another ride around the merry go round was in order.
I tell you this, there is nothing on this Earth I want more than to trust people again. I want to believe that most people are good and don't want to do anything to hurt anyone. We expect this from strangers, acquaintences...when we can't get it from people that we care about most.
I have had moments recently of feeling that I am softening again. That I have allowed myself to feel again. That I gave myself permission to be happy again. And she has done her best to take that away. And...today...she is winning.
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