Real Love

Have you ever been in love?

I am not referring to the “Ohh, it’s so perfect, he’s perfect, I’m perfect…everything’s perfect” love. And I don’t mean; “After all this time, I guess I just gotta” type of love either. And certainly not the “This is the best that I can do” kind of love either.

No, what I mean is that kind of love that just haunts you. It runs through your system like an uncontrollable freight train, jumping tracks and reeking havoc on your entire life. I am talking about the kind of emotion that shows up when you least expect it and fills you with a sense of wonder about every other time you ever thought you were here before.

Have you ever been in love?

If you are still not sure, allow me to give you some suggestions that may help to stir your answers. What this kind of love is can be difficult to answer. The descriptions of this vary and yet it can be detected with the naked eye pretty easily. What I can tell you is what it’s not.

Real love is not easy. Never has been and never will be. Sometimes it defies all odds. It can attack the meanest amongst us and have them seeing the world so differently. It is hard work. It’s hard work finding it, it’s hard work holding on to it, and it’s hard work keeping it like new. If it’s easy, it’s not real. Real love keeps you up nights. Real love has you believing in impossibilities. Real love has caused men to go to flower shows and women to sit through Sundays in the fall with rapt interest. Trust me, if either of these two things are happening, there is real love in there somewhere.

Real love is not convenient. Usually occurring at a moment when it’s the very last thing we are looking for. It has absolutely no rules. None. All the qualifiers that we think we have are gone. Love that is straddled by rules is not real. You don’t have real love being decided by a vote. It’s not determined by a checklist. It destroys all preconceived ideas and sends them packing. It doesn’t care about anyone else’s opinion. It doesn’t see the neat little lines that we all draw. Have you ever heard someone say; “She/He is so not his type.”? But, when you look closely, you see they are happy. That is real love. Real love has no types. It has no poster child.

Real love is not just an emotion. It is it’s own animal. It lives and breaths and has a mind of it’s own. It swallows up the least expecting and takes over your life. Real love will have you believing in fairy tale stuff, like happily ever after. Real love doesn’t beat down for shortcomings of others, but has you examining your own to make a change so you can be a better person for them. Real love is first thought in the morning, last thought at night. Real love has you wondering what the other person would think about your decision on lunch. Real love doesn’t have a script. There is no blueprint. Real love has you missing the touch of a hand on your face and the heavy breathing (okay, possibly snoring) of sleep. It removes your ideas of what is right and wrong. It changes your whole being. And does it with very little effort.

Real love can’t be ordered off the internet. I know, I have seen the commercials. But, real love isn’t on the other side of your wi-fi connection. How do I know this? Because real love is normally not that well informed about the other person when it hits. You don’t get to see their personal resume ahead of time. Now, understand, real love is not based on looks either. Real love is based on presence. It’s based on what occurs in those moments when you are in the same general vicinity. Not in the same chatroom. You can't feel magic with your fingers on a keyboard. And believe me, this stuff is magic.

Real love will not be judged. It doesn’t need approval. It can not be clouded by the prejudices of the outside. It can be allowed to fade away if we ignore it due to our listening to the crowd. It’s not so much that it gives up the fight as much as it determines that the fight has been lost before it had a real chance to get started. It will give it all it has to save itself, but if not acknowledged, it will move on to more deserving individuals and leave you wishing you had acted differently.

Real love can haunt you. You can try to ignore it, but it will keep showing itself to you. You can try to run away from it, but it will follow you. It will tear your life apart, if you let it. People claim that the times we live in today, with divorce rates as high as they are, proves that real love is a myth. I disagree. What this proves is that we have a large percentage of people that have settled for less. They took a shot without feeling the magic of it and they found out in very short time that “forever” in the wrong place is one hell of a long time. There are those that stick it out anyway, living a life where they are miserable, unloved, and feeling neglected. But, they feel they made promise or it’s for their kids that they stay. And, when this happens, you know God weeps.

Yeah, I said God. Where do you think this love thing came from? We didn’t invent it? Only God could create something so beautiful and perfect that is also so frustrating and heart wrenching. People say no one and nothing is perfect, at least not since that son of His was here. Well, I say real love is as perfect a beast as we have on Earth. It doesn’t need the permission, care, or support of anything to survive. It attacks with perfect form and has the ability to change lives and fortunes. It is the perfect emotion. Even when it’s the last thing you want.

Real love changes our rules. Not because we want them changed, but because they just have to change. We want to put someone else’s needs, desires, thoughts, moods, and feelings ahead of our own. Not sometimes, but most of the time. And on those occasions that we don’t, we want to apologize for that. Real love makes us want to try new things, not because we want to impress, but because we really want to understand what makes the other person happy.

One more observation before I go. Real love may not need to be fed to survive, but it does need attention. It does need acknowledgement. And it needs respect. And, most importantly, it needs acceptance. Not the acceptance of others, because real love doesn’t give a damn about that. It needs the acceptance of self. Because the other thing that real love is, is few and far between. You can ignore it away. But, the price you pay is a real possibility that you will never see it again.

Have to admit, I am no expert here. All of this is culled from experience. Have I known it? Yeah, one time…a very long time ago. She was an amazing human being that I allowed to get away and I regret it everyday since. And that damn “Real Love”, just left me be for a very long time. I tried to force it a couple of times, like a lot of us do. The thing about real love is that you can’t make it happen. It doesn’t develop just because we put the effort in and try real hard. Real love just is, for better or for worse, sickness and health, and all that stuff. The vows are a very good guide to use when there is doubt about how you feel. Look at each one and determine if you really can live through all those things with this person and not want to cut and run. If you can honestly say you can, then you very well may have real love. But, there are so many of us that have taken those vows, knowing when we agreed to them…we just weren’t sure. We just didn’t think we could get past all of them. And that is just a stupid, stupid thing to do.

Real love, for all it’s independence, does need to be fought for. It needs you to be willing to put everything on the line to have it. Because, when you do that…and only when you are willing to do that, does it come and save your life. It blesses you with gifts that you never imagined. And it makes you stand in awe of yourself. In awe of what you have nurtured and fed. In awe of what other people’s envy. And in awe of what will come to you as you continue through this life. The effort that is put in is repaid a thousand times over.

I don’t think there is a lesson here as much as an acknowledgement. A admittance that I believe in this very real, unexplainable, amazing human emotion. It is as real as you and I. And it wants nothing more than to find us. To grow in and with us.

We just have to believe in magic. And be willing to pay attention.