Discovery

In life, we sometimes focus on our losses more than our gains. These times of negative contemplation tend to occur during great moments of stress. The stress can come from anywhere. And usually they are self created. At least for me. I am a giant fan of worrying over things I cannot control. This is not a virtue. It can be debilitating at times. Taking our mind’s focus away from those positives that present themselves to us everyday.

We have all suffered loss of one form or another. It is a foolish person who believes that we will get through this short stay in the here and now without having some form of loss. I have had my few. I have lost a child. I have had my parental position of step-children stripped from me. In the last twelve months, I have lost two very close friends to the evil disease of cancer, of one form or another. I have lost friends who misunderstood my position in the world or due to my misunderstanding of theirs. And my childhood was one of a great many loses, some discussed here and others that I just can’t bear to relate. This all is leaving out the complete devastation of two marriages and a family dynamic that has led us all to a place of non-communication.

In the last few weeks I have been dealing with the most uncomfortable and confusing situation of my life. After dropping my guard and opening up to show my heart, I allowed my hopes and dreams to make an amazing situation very difficult for another person to deal with. I focused on myself. I, trying so very hard not be selfish, thought only of my wants and not the things that were important to another. Add to this, the last two weeks of phone calls and text messages from my oldest friend reporting on his health deterioration and his death this morning. This situation added emotional upheaval to a situation that was on it’s head already. The strain of being pulled in these directions at the same time has taken their toll. And others have suffered for it.

When caught up in these moments, one of the first loses we have is to the understanding that our suffering effects others. From our closest friends, to those that we may not have realized held such concern for us, our daily outward portrait causes concern and strain for all of them. The first lesson I have learned is to make sure to take a moment to thank those we may oversee for their heart reaching out to us. When hearing that someone was concerned, I took a moment yesterday to let her know that I was okay. I hope she knows how much I am in awe of that concern. What I realized is, that without even trying, we touch people’s lives…if only for a moment…and change their aura. Those moments are small miracles…gifts…of basic human emotion…love for another…that we must never take for granted. I have been doing that. I will do my best not to do that again. The problem is, that there are those of us that carry concern and heartfelt attention for all of those in our lives. But, we tend to be the ones who fail to see our own ability to receive the same concern. The same love. We don’t feel we deserve it. So, we never take the time to realize it’s there. When we do that, we shut our those that only have our best interests at heart. The answer is to remember, that in times of stress, sadness, and grief…as long as we have friends, we are never alone. And we should never be.

The honest, unselfish nature of friendship, true friendship has completely blown me away in the last 72 hours or so. It really shined it’s brilliance on me very early this morning. Upon being told the news of my grief, my friend got out of bed and came to me…to comfort me…to remind me that I am not alone…during a very lonely period of time. Didn’t have to be asked. Was never in question. Just came and did what comes naturally. I have no way to repay it. I pray that I will never find my friend in the same position that I was in this morning…and the last few days…but, if they did, I hope they know that I would be there…wherever there would happen to be…without a moment’s hesitation. Not a repayment. Not something owed. Just what I would have to do. In moments of grief, when we tend to want to run away from everyone and everything in our lives, human contact…touch…is most important. To remind us we still feel and that others still feel us. I pray, that as my life continues on, that I will never forget this lesson. I know that I will never forget the gesture. I have made sure that I never will…by taking something that I will keep in a place within my vision as long as it will last. And, every time…every time…I see it in it’s place…I will be reminded that I am loved.

Memories have flooded me the last few days. Twenty-six years is a very long time to gather those memories. Some are brilliant in their happiness and joy. Others are wrenching in their sadness and struggle. Have been fortunate enough to share some of those recently. I have a million of them. But, I know that they may only be special or even interesting to me, because of my place in them. Just know that for every one that can break your heart, Mike and I have dozens that would bring tears of happiness…and in some cases….even envy to your eyes. If we were to arrange to share any words on the markers that will note our final resting places, those words would be; “Together, they lived. They truly lived!” Thanks to phone calls prior to his hospitalization, I had the opportunity to thank my friend for every one of those moments. I can honestly tell you that I would not be the person I am today if not for this man. I would not have experienced a recent return to myself if it wasn’t for his encouragement and belief in me. While hiding his illness from me, he spent hours of his last days on this Earth trying desperately to bring back the friend he used to know, who allowed life to kick him so hard that he stopped seeing the sunlight…the stars. He telepathically grabbed my hand and pulled, placed a hand on my back and shoved, and wrapped his arms around me and comforted me out of the hole I had lived in. And he did it all to save me. He knew, somewhere deep inside, that if I didn’t move…if I didn’t save myself…open up…I would never survive what happened this morning. I believe that part of him did it out of some guilt over a lost relationship so many years ago that he felt he helped destroy. But, the other part was that he knew just how hard I would take this moment when it came and he wanted to make sure that I allowed someone to step in when he wouldn’t be able to do it anymore. I realized this just this morning. Staring at a small black band. I realized all that he did. Like a boy scout, being prepared…and preparing me…for what he knew was coming. In my heart , I know, that somewhere above the stars, my friend saw me in my suffering this morning…wrapped in the love of my friend…and he smiled, the smile of a man who has done what needed to be done…and did it well. The perfect choice.

Twenty-six years, a lifetime for some of you. I guess that can make all this very hard to fathom. Think this way…if your age falls even or less than that number, the only people you could possibly really know that long would be parents and siblings. I am not short changing that relationship. But, for a friendship to endure those years and still be in a place that ours was at a little after four this morning…there has to be a connection that overshadows family commitment. There is a bond… a link that goes unsaid, but is apparent to anyone who has the opportunity to see it in action. I am fifty years old. The chance that I will ever have a relationship in my life that lasts that long are slim. In my life, this is “the” friendship. I know this. I understand it. And I am comfortable with it. I will not measure anything against it, because that would be like trying to compare any light source to the sun. It’s just never going to be a fair fight. But, that does not mean that new friendships…just beginning friendships…can’t be as important…can’t be as touching…can’t be just has healing to our hearts and souls. We only have to have the courage to embrace them…to nurture them….to respect them…and to never fail them. I vow to make sure I work as hard on those relationships as I did on this one. Because, in the end….our friends…our feelings for them…and theirs for us…and those unselfish acts of kindness that we don’t have to think about….that is a true measure of our success.

I am discovering…through loss…and gain…through understanding…and by stepping back…that my success is high. I have been given amazing people in my life that have done their best through random acts of kindness…by making sure I never felt alone…reaching out to me when I was looking for a hand to remind me that I am still here…still alive…and still loved. And, for that, I weep. Today….I weep.