With the fear of a lightening strike in the back of my mind, I broach the subject of God. Have to admit, not been on the best friend level with the man (or woman, as you see fit…but, if so…hard to explain that Father thing) lately. He has had me wondering about things in His world lately. I always thought that He didn’t really pay much attention, but I am starting to think that He does more then I want to admit and that maybe, He is having more fun then He would care to admit. Not fun in that he enjoys seeing His people suffer, just the sheer entertainment value…whether it be sadness or joy…I think He may be sitting back watching the show more than we realize.
I grew up in a house that wasn’t real church going. Any religious education I received, I got on my own by either attending church with friends and their families or by reading on my own. When I grew up, there really wasn’t as much access to plain language bibles as there are now. So, the confusion was deep. So, I read a lot of books about God and religion that were available in the library. I have always been an avid reader, reading at a college level before I was in junior high school. Not brain power, just luck of the draw for a love for words. Those books taught me a great deal and have had a huge effect on the way I see things now. I want you to understand, I don’t believe that I am absolutely right. I just believe that what I believe is comfortable to me. It’s my ego and it’s size that has me sharing it with you.
One of the most prominent statements in these books was the idea of “God’s Plan”. The idea being that God has some divine plan for all of us and that things are sort of mapped out for all of our lives. This idea has always confused me. The thought that no matter how much control we believe we have, that everything is already mapped out. I have come to decide that it has to be a misconception. I have my own (as if you had any doubt) idea of all this. I am not one that believes that God has his hands in our everyday lives to the point that everything we do is directed by him. Free will has it’s purpose. God does not decide what shampoo I use. God does not decide which shirt I wear to work. If He did, I wish He would iron some of them for me. I don’t think that he sits around heaven worried about whether or not I have had too much starch at lunch. If He does, I am really going to be disappointed in Him. I would rather that He focus more on Darfur or Somalia. Or maybe the starving, homeless people right here in the great U.S of A. Not sit around worried about my cholesterol level.
What I think is that God has moments ready for us. Specific and defined moments. But, those moments change due to decisions of free will in the past. For instance, if He decided that we would fall and break our leg at the Jersey shore some weekend and that Friday our car dies and we never make it to the shore, whatever lesson was to be learned from breaking our leg is lost. So, you see, God’s plan has to have many revisions. Free will has to allow for them.
I am also disappointed with the thought of a mapped out plan. I can’t believe that there is no point to the minds we have and their ability to make decisions. God explained in His book just how special we are. The whole idea of Hell is with the understanding of a war of angels with God over our importance to him. We have to be unique. And with that comes the responsibility of being intelligent creatures that have the ability to make a difference in the world because we truly want to and not because we were destined. It is my honest belief that the last man destined for anything was nailed to a cross. Understand what I mean. Take someone like Martin Luther King, Jr. He fought incredible odds to do what he believed was right for all mankind. He stood in front of a crowd of people in West Memphis practically predicting his own death the next day. But, he did it anyway. To say that he never had a choice would take away the incredible test of will that he must have went through. And it would diminish his legacy. I want to believe that he did all of it because he felt he needed to, not because he had to.
With that in mind, you may start to see my problem with the idea of “God’s Plan”. Those words tend to be used when something bad happens to us. It seems that we tend to take credit for the good things that happen to us, but the bad things just must be part of the plan. “It just must be God’s Plan for you.” Really? It was God’s Plan that my wife decided that raising her kids was all I was good for and when it was done, I no longer had a use? It was God’s Plan that my friend needed to die in a hospital during a stay for a treatment that was supposed to give him more time? It was God’s plan that I should find myself wanting something I very well may never have in my life? That was his plan? Or is it that we only think we can actually learn something from the bad things that happen to us, so we contribute those learning moments to God?
I am starting to realize that God’s Plan isn’t always going to be the plan we would like. But, it is not without reason, not without purpose. We just have to take the time to see them. For me, it has taken about 16 months. And even now I sit here not really sure I understand it all. But, I am trying. I know that my free will has contributed to it. But, I think that my free will has been manipulated by God’s handy work in setting his plans in motion. The decisions were mine to make. But, the choices given, He very well may have had a hand in. Maybe other factors, too.
Lets take for instance the first thing I can think of. The death of my friend. I have struggled with this, as you all that read these things know, for over a month now. I am getting better. I have made the choice to let it go. To move on. But, it wasn’t a easy choice. The thing with grief is, that as sad and upsetting as it is, it starts to become like a pair of old sweats…comfortable, warm, fuzzy, and kind of inviting. As much as we know we should discard it, we just can’t find the heart to do it. If my friend’s death was part of some kind of plan, it has taken me a long time to figure it out. But, I have. The fact that this disease was going to kill him was a forgone conclusion. It was the when that was at question. Why now? Well, if we are talking about the lessons for me, I think I have them.
The first involves a plan God must have started for me a little over a year ago. I found myself in a situation that had determined that my usefulness was at an end in my marriage. I was not only no longer wanted, I was no longer needed. That is harder to take then no longer being loved. To find out that you were merely a tool for someone else’s agenda is tough to accept. And when your usefulness is done, into the trash heap you go. For months after, I lived very quietly, keeping to myself and trying to figure out the benefit that this plan of God’s had for me. This began my relationship issue with Him. Because, I really couldn’t see the reasoning. I really couldn’t find the purpose. What I felt God was saying to me is that, you have now become what you so most wanted to avoid. A failure. Alone. Forgotten. And it only cost you everything. My anger with that knew no bounds. I was angry and bitter and I didn’t care who knew it.
During these months, I returned to church. I desperately wanted answers. I listened every Sunday. I tried so hard to hear Him. I felt deaf. I just couldn’t hear the voice that would tell my why all this had happened. Why was I no longer good enough? Why was I left alone? Why was I still here? What purpose did I serve? Nothing. Not a sound. My anger grew. And everything inside of me closed down. I saw nothing. I heard nothing. I looked for nothing.
And then it found me.
I have written a lot about “her”. I won’t bore you with it now. Only to say, that at some point, I saw her. I say that it found me. What I mean by that, is that because I wasn’t looking, it came to me on it’s own. This feeling. I will have to say that I fought it off hard. I didn’t want to notice her. I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to feel anything. I tell you honestly, I really didn’t want to fall for anyone, ever again. The pain of losing is just too damn much. I struggled with telling her my feelings for weeks because of this kind of pain. I just didn’t want to risk it. I didn’t want to put myself out there again. Sometimes, what we want isn’t always what we get. Thank God (ironically)!
The lesson that has come from this is that I do feel something. I feel more than I ever thought possible. I feel more than I ever have in my life. The reason? Because of what happened. Because, of the depth of the anger I had felt for being discarded. I felt worthless. I don’t feel worthless now. I felt unloved. I don’t feel unloved now. I felt as if no one could see me. I feel seen. And the reward from this lesson is that I appreciate it all so much more than if it would have happened without all the bad things that got me here. I appreciate the fact that I can feel and show how I feel. That I have the courage to say it. But, mostly…I am in awe of the fact that someone feels that way for me. When I felt so lost, I was found. Apparently God’s plan was for me to find myself in a position to either stand up and say the words that needed to be said to inform this person of my feelings or to walk away silent and never try. By doing that, I would have continued with the anger. Free will. The choices were given…his plan was to have me go through all I went through to give me the choice. And I made it.
What does this have to do with the death of my friend? Well, first, he wasn’t the first friend of mine that had died recently. I am not sure of the plan for the earlier death. I am not sure that I even felt as much pain then as I did this time. Not that I loved him any less, he was my friend. But, at the time…the time of shutdown…I just didn’t allow myself to feel anything. I grieved, but from a distance. I get the feeling that God saw that and said to Himself; “Oh no, that just won’t do.”
I have started to realize just how important the things in the last few months that have happened have been to each other. What I mean is, one without the other wouldn’t have had the same results. I don’t think that it was an accident that I couldn’t hold back my feelings any longer than I did. The timing is too perfect. It allowed a month or so of the knowledge to be out before He decided that my friend had to come home to Him. Why? I think, as I have said before, it was to make sure that someone was here to save me. That someone was here to show me that I was loved. That someone cared. I have become aware that a lot of people do. Really do. I will be honest, before all this, I didn’t see it as clearly as I do now. But, I do now…and that has to be part of the plan. It had to be a big part of it. I also think that my friend’s death and the frustration, anger, grief, and confusion that came after were also a big part of the plan. Because, what it did was take me to the lowest part of myself. I seriously considered drinking again. I was closer than anyone realizes. And, that would have been a disappointment I would never have gotten over. After sixteen years of abstaining, I think the failure would have been more than I could bare. One thing…one person kept me from doing it. So, you see…again…God’s plan. To make sure someone was here to give a me reason not to destroy all that I had accomplished.
Once that crisis of will power had passed, I realized just how proud I should be in my strength. People have jumped off the wagon for a lot less reasons. The reason they do, the reason I considered it…was to be numb. To not feel anything, if only for a little while. But, in doing that…I know for sure I would have lost everything. I would have lost her. I would have lost my job. I would have lost me. So, I hung on to my commitment to her with both hands and I fought off the urge…a painful fight, but I won. And I grew stronger.
The other thing that came from this horrible tragedy is that I showed a part of myself that I rarely had in the past. I showed my heart. Not just these feelings I had for this special person. I showed my ability to show the parts of myself that I tended to hide all my life. Some things that occurred in my life had taught me to never show weakness. Never show fear. Never show heartache. I would shutdown. I would go numb. Even before my problems with a vodka bottle, I learned ways to shutdown. I would take those moments of the most pain and use them as an excuse to disappear within myself. Never let anyone close. Never anyone see me weak. This situation didn’t allow for that. I tried to. I tried desperately to do that. I just couldn’t. I came close. But, something…or should I say…someone kept pulling me back. She saw me at my worst. She saw me angry. She saw me crying. She saw me completely unable to cope. And she didn’t run away. In doing that, she proved to me that not all the things in my life are destined for loss. Because, if what she saw didn’t chase her away, I couldn’t think that anything would. And I started to heal.
But, God’s plan can be a funny one. Yep, a real laugh riot. In growing stronger, I started to really get a good look at what I had become. Moody. Needy. Whining. And an absolute spineless little man. I started to see that I had allowed myself to shed my pride. And at what cost? For what gain? I really looked at that hard. And it made me angry. Not at anyone other than myself. It’s not that I didn’t mean all that I had said and done for weeks. It was how I did it. It was the perception that I was giving that upset me. My anger caused me to react. And when I did, when I finally stood up for myself. Things changed. I think the reason is that at that moment I started to let go. I let go of the grief. I let go of the desire to drink. I let go of the wanting something at any cost. Because, in the end…we have only ourselves to account to. And I needed to take stock. And when I did, I really didn’t like what I saw. I had to fight back my fear, fight back the idea of what could happen…and take a stand. And because I did, I got me back. Because I did, I showed that I valued myself. That I believed, for the first time in a very long time, that I deserved more. And I demanded it. And since that day, since that moment, God’s plan has come clearer to me.
If there is such a thing, I believe that he had to have me come full circle and maybe another half. I had to go from the very bottom to a very high point, just to appreciate just how special this high point was. But, He needed me to see that I was strong enough to not only ask for help, but help myself. I had to see that I had value. I had to see that I made a difference. Because, even the point was so very high, I didn’t think it really made a difference to anyone but me. Since fighting off the effects of grief, I have come to see that I do. But, not only to the one person I was most concerned about, but to others. And that touched my heart. That lifted me up. And it placed me in a place that I am comfortable with. It put me in a place that allowed me to stand up for me, to say what I needed, what I wanted, and not to accept less…from anyone. Not everyone will like it. But, maybe they have their own plans to deal with. That’s not for me to say.
I know that all this may seem without a point. I normally write with some intention in mind of a conclusion or at the very least, some message. I think the reason that it’s not clear here is that this plan I am on isn’t quite over with. Events over the last few days have made that clear to me. I am starting to realize that if you ever decide that the Man is done with you, you are going to miss something important. So, I am closely paying attention, to every little thing. Every word…every act…every single thing I see and hear. And I can tell you, in doing that, I am learning a lot. Not just about myself, but about the motives of others. About their true value to me. I spent a month seeking the comfort of those that didn’t always have my best interest at heart. I tried very hard to have theirs. But, their actions recently has spoken to me in ways I really didn’t think they could. I have learned to be careful who I trust. Be careful who you call your friend. Be careful just how much you are willing to share. And be careful of just who you think really cares about what is important to you. Again, God’s plan. Because, what people can teach us is not only just how valuable those that are close to us really are, but just how damaging others can be. For what purpose? I am not sure I have figured that out yet. I am not sure I want to, to be honest. I think it would really be too ugly to look at.
I guess the real conclusion would be that I would have to say that I have forgiven God. I am not sure, as human beings, we are allowed that. But, it’s sort of how I look at it. I know there are some that may say that forgiveness should only be given to those who have done wrong and that God can’t do wrong. If that is true, explain the housefly. Explain the armadillo. Explain George W. Bush. Okay, that last one is a trick question…we all know satan was responsible for that one. But, the point is, even God admitted he made a mistake. Remember the flood? Okay, we weren’t there, but you do remember the story. And at the end…reason for the rainbows? It’s his promise that he will never do that again. Why? Because it was a mistake. People say, that with people, God makes no mistakes. Okay…on the short list…Hitler, Manson, Polpot, Gingus Khan, Miley Cyrus. Okay, again..the last one was just for me. But, you get the point.
I think the idea of God making mistakes is something that I have believed in for a long time, thinking that I was one of them. There is a lot of reasons for that. Not much of which I really want to disclose here. But, I did spend a lot of years thinking that God may have stacked the deck for me. But, what I am learning is that really it was the deal He was given, too. He couldn’t have known my parents free will would cause our broken family. He couldn’t have known that my wife’s free will would cause her to discard me. He couldn’t have known that the death of friends would effect me so deeply. And he couldn’t have known that this beautiful woman would be standing here ready to catch me if and when I fell. So, the deck may have been stacked, but He dealt the cards as gently as He could and still get the message across.
And the message, you ask? Well, it’s only His greatest plan of all. The one that He always said was the most important. The one and only one that really matters.
Love! His. Ours. Theirs.
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