I need to begin this with a bit of introduction. I was discussing an author just the other day who’s books have had a big influence on my faith. Now, this is not going to be a discussion on theology. The reason for this explanation will be clear. His name is Frank Peretti. The book that we were discussing is called “This Present Darkness”. The story revolves around a small town, Ashton, that finds itself under siege by the demons at Satan’s disposal. I explained how these demons worked on the townspeople to enslave them in their own shortcomings and insecurities.
For the last day or so, I have thought about this book and it’s plot a great deal. I understand that it is fiction. But, I believe that the last month has proven to me just how possible some of this may be. Sometimes, our truth can be found in the strangest of places. Mine was discovered recently in the thoughts of this book and it’s possibilities in my life.
In the book, the demons that are sent out are specific to the people they attack and the circumstances that they find themselves in. For instance, a woman who is insecure about her marriage is pummeled by the demon known as “Jealousy” and his companion, “Anger”. These attacks, left uncontested, ravage the emotional and mental state of this poor woman until she does things that she never believed herself possible to do. Others in the town are attacked in similar ways, causing a great divide in the faith of the town as well as the peace of mind of those whose faith is strong enough to protect them from these evil minions.
What does this have to do with me?
Well, you see, for the last month, a natural emotion…grief…has opened the door for similar minions to take their best shots at me. I have felt their wrath before in my life. I have even allowed them to beat me on more then occasion. I had thought that I had learned from those situations and had vowed to always be prepared and to never put myself in a position for any kind of surprise attack. We walk through our lives knowing that there will be moments that will test us and that these attacks will come. But, the attacks that we see coming are so much easier to prepare for. Those of us with faith fall back to that as a source of strength. We also try to remember who we are, the strengths that we naturally possess and use them to keep from bending. I had forgotten these.
In my grief, I lost a large part of myself. I lost that part that knew deep inside that I had the ability to get through all this pain and come out the other side intact. The demon of “doubt” surely worked overtime on me. He also brought a friend…”guilt”. My guilt was based on a lot of things. Of being alive. Of not being there when I so desperately needed to be. Of not feeling as if I had done enough to prevent something that I had no way of preventing. And the biggest one of all, the guilt of being so over the top happy about something in my life while my friend was drawing his final breaths. I had an inner struggle that did it’s best to tear down all that I stood for. The battle was on and I was losing.
When those two had weakened me to a significant point, more of their friends joined the fight. “Self pity” clamped it’s talons into my brain and began to destroy the inner voice in my head. It was trying so hard to take away my voice. It turned my words into bitter and ugly statements of my weaknesses. I am ashamed of what occurred here. I am ashamed of what I allowed this little bastard to do to me. I am ashamed of how it affected others.
Weakened even more, “fear” and “bitterness” crept in to finish the job. I became afraid of my ability to believe what I was seeing. I started to think that I was being treated unfairly. I became bitter to the point of wanting to shutdown completely. To return to a state of mind that I had fought so hard to shed not so long ago. I thought that it was my only way out. My only way to protect myself from the pain that I was feeling. I have spent the last month separating myself from those that care about me. I have allowed myself to believe that there had to be some agenda. That I was being made to look foolish.
In a way I was right. There was an agenda. But, it was one of my own making. I was a fool. But, only because of my own actions.
What I had allowed to be forgotten was just what these little hounds of hell where trying so hard to steal from me. Not just my faith in God. Not just my faith in others. But, my faith in myself. In what I believed. In what I felt. In the love that I was carrying in my heart. There is no demon named “love”. “Hate”? Sure. But, not “Love”. Love is their enemy. But, in the weakness of grief, they went after it and tried so very hard to take it from me. And they damn near succeeded.
It was the realization that it was all slipping away that brought me back to myself. It was the recognition that I had allowed these ugly parts of our own human nature to rip me apart enough to make me unrecognizable to those that know me best, that brought me to a moment of awareness. I realized that these “demons” come in all shapes and sizes. They try so very hard to feed your mind and heart with misinformation, negativity, and meaningless drivel that you have a very hard time seeing the truth of the matter. You have a hard time clawing through the foliage of their camouflage to recognize what is real and what is not. I almost got lost. Almost.
I did gain one perspective from all this that I didn’t realize had been lost. I saw my self-worth. I regained a bit of backbone. And in a moment that was as tough as any I have experienced, I stood up for myself and I walked away. I walked just far enough to be seen again. I know that it was painful for all involved, but I know in my heart that it needed to be done. I had to take some sort of stand or I wasn’t going to recover from the damage these demons had done. And I learned a lot from this stand. I learned a great deal about myself. About the strength of my character. And how, in the end, the only person who can really let me down is me.
I know there may be a few of you that have missed a great part of the last couple of paragraphs because you are hung up on one word…love. Yeah, I said it. I will also say that it still lives. And it has been a huge part of the recovery from this attack on my soul then almost anything else. Understand, the fight for it has been tough, but it’s a fight I would go through over and over again because of just how precious it is. There have been those who have doubted. There are those that have tried to tempt me away from it. They have failed. And for that, I stand here, completely captured by all that I feel. And I have no fear. I have no doubt. I am completely full of trust.
In say all this, I need to take this time to apologize those I have shut out. I never meant for it to happen. I value my friendships more than you may realize. I just lost sight of where my true self exists. It lives in my friendships. It lives in those relationships that mean so much to me. I apologize to Rhonda and Shawn, who have done nothing but try to inspire me and show me that nothing in this life is impossible. I apologize to George, who’s unselfish concern for my well being has me ashamed of what little I have given over the last month. I apologize to my room mates, who have had to watch in silence as I have battled through this, unable, at times, to hide my despair. I am sorry. I apologize to Carmen, probably the best friend I have right now, who, in his understated way, has been my biggest supporter and confidant. I apologize to those who have had to work with this human mood swing over the course of the last few weeks. I will try to do much better from now on.
And most importantly, I apologize to you. I apologize for making a difficult situation harder. I know that you have said that it is natural for someone to lose someone so important and have a difficult time dealing with it. I know that you have said that nothing I have done is out of the ordinary. But, I know that isn’t completely true. I know that I have allowed these demons to beat me up pretty good and in so doing, I have shared that pain with you. I never meant for that to happen. I wish I could go back and take it all away. But, there is something that I learned from all this. There is something more important than anything that I have gained from all that has happened these past few weeks. I struggled so hard to work through the grief and fight for something that others had said would never happen. I waged a war within myself to see what would win…faith or surrender. I did as much to tear myself apart as any demon’s work could do.
And you are still here.
And that is not the only reason, but it’s an important reason….of why I am so very…well, you know.
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