A Mother's Love

Confirmation was given to me today on just who and what I am. She attacked with vengeance, with a sense of purpose. And she did her job well. She always has. The truth in her words cut like a knife, slicing through the last bit of fight I had left in me. She is very good at sensing weakness, finding the spot most tender. And she rips into it like a butcher. Her follow through is exact. I think it may have been my inability to answer her initial questions with a certainty that brought about this “loving” attack. She knows me. She knows that if I had something concrete to say, I would say it…if only to shut her up. I could have lied, but I am not good at that.

Her ignorance in her judgment is irrelevant. It’s the bits of truth in her lies that do the damage. She has known me since birth. She knows where the scars are. And she starts there. Weakening the defenses until I lost the strength to fight any longer. She knows the buttons to push to send me falling. She has tried for years to make this day happen and filled herself with frustration when it didn’t show itself. She saw the opening today. She saw the chance to end what she has always called my “dry mission”. That was when she went in for the kill. She informed me, not for the first time, of just how weak she believed I was. She told me that I have nothing to offer to anyone that really pays attention. She informed me that I have lived my life as a dreamer, always leading with his heart, only to end up alone. She told me that is where I deserved to be, because I always want more than I can ever expect from anyone. And that I am to stupid to see the writing on the wall. I have no ability to see when I am being played with. And that anyone looking at the situation would have to ask just what I thought I was doing in it. Her greatest weapon is the way she knows just when to stop, to walk away, and leave you just barely hanging on to the last shred of dignity you have left. There are times when that is enough to hold onto and pull yourself slowly back out of the pain, back to your feet. There are times when it’s not quite enough. This is one of those times.

It’s amazing, her timing. The facts that she could not possibly know contribute to the damage. My insecurity over a situation. Although, well know here to a point, she is in the dark. I have kept her that way just for this reason. My feelings that I am not all that I need to be are known to her, just not in the situation that she started her attack with. I have kept her at a distance for a long time, knowing her ability to do this to me. I have held up the space of four streets as a wall of protection. I visit when I have to and only then. I don’t call. She spent a lifetime doing her damage. I vowed that I would never let it happen again. I let myself down.

She witnessed something yesterday morning, without my knowledge. I didn’t know about it until yesterday afternoon when I visited to move some things around for her. A quick question about who it was and what the situation was about, was just enough for her to load up her guns overnight. She made her opinions known today. She did her best to rip away at the determination that I had to make a dream a reality. She told to look her in the face and tell her that I wasn’t in love with the person. I just stared at her. I didn’t want to share that with her. She didn’t deserve to know that much. She saw my hesitation and literally smiled. She found the biggest soft spot of all. And she went at it with all she had. She told me that I was going to be hurt. That there was no future in something like this. I don’t believe her. I don’t want to believe her. And she sensed that. She continued. She told me of the ending before the it was written. She said it would end like all the others. It would cause me to self-destruct. That I would endu up lost and angry at the world. She told me what I would do when it happened. She pushed this idea that there would only be one place that I would end up. And it appears that she may very well be right.

I will not blame her for what is about to happen. I never do. It is my weakness. My inability to realize that this will cure nothing. But, it’s a foregone conclusion. As they say, it is written.